Sunday, November 23, 2008

Change......

This was me almost a year ago on Christmas. I think I look like a big fat swollen pig. But that is just me. It had been a really hard year and it wasn't over. I think I was dealing with my feeling by loading up on the chocolate. Back in the day I would not eat..so I felt really out of control. I was not taking care of myself at all. Dealing with Autism...sick husband..hysterectomy at the young age of 33 and on top of that..I could feel a change coming on and I was fighting it. But was it a change I was fighting or just fighting my true self coming out. I had hid her away for sooo long and I was so scared of her....would anyone love me....for me. I still don't know the answer to that one. Well anyway...April of this year came about...and one day I just snapped and I have been different every since that day. Look below......




So this is me now...I have dropped over 40 pounds and I have went down 7 sizes in pants almost 8 sizes. I can't say that I'm any better at taking care of myself..but I'm more picky about what I eat and that I try to get more exercise. Since the cold weather has set in....I don't go out to walk..but I have been on the treadmill and the weights...and I love my punching bag..Trust me..I need that!!! I have changed in many other ways..Some I feel comfortable talking about..some I don't. I have gotten over the fact that I need to please everyone...It just doesn't work and it wears me out. I won't walk on glass for anyone anymore. Maybe someone should walk on glass for me. AND me being *pleasing*...over that! I won't take anyones crap...And I want some damn respect for being the woman that I am...not the woman everybody wants me to be...If you don't like who I am...sorry for ya! I feel the way I feel..I am the way I am....I won't make excuses for my feelings or the way I see things. I just can't be that way anymore.....



Friday, November 14, 2008

Sanctuary

This is my tiny peaceful place for sanity...for a get away...and also work..when need be. This is my place in the house were everyone stays out unless I want you there. If I go in and shut the door...good chance that if you open the door..you may get something thrown at you....no not really..but I like to be left alone for awhile. I love my big fat chair ! My husband got me this about a year and half ago. I could sit in it all day. Usually in the mornings after my son gets on the bus..I get my coffee, laptop and a blanket and I sit and check my email and try to wake up or I fall back to sleep. Depends on the day. I have been doing alot of my photography edits in this chair. It keeps my back from hurting and I can stretch out my legs..good thing because of my crappy knee!
I try to hang up pictures that I have taken and other things to inspire me in this room. Pics of my family...friends..and my SMALLVILLE stuff. You know I have a big o poster and my calendar. Love looking at that. All my girlfriends like to look at that! I spend alot of time in this room during the day when I'm alone. I don't turn on the TV..I turn up the music and get to work...get creative. I return emails.. blog and try to learn more about photography. I can't spend all day in there....But I would love to on most days.




Thursday, November 13, 2008

Song of the Year "Stay" by Sugarland

Sugarland won "song of the year" last night. I was rooting for this song. The first time I saw the video about a year ago..I balled....Just watching her sing about a pain she knows all too well. All the girls at work would turn this up and sing it...
It's one of my favorite video's just because of the raw emotion. Jennifer Nettles wrote this song...and she sings it with such openess ..So here ya go...Lyrics are listed at the bottom.....I LOVE Sugarland and Jennifers voice!


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I've been sitting here staring at the clock on the wall
And I've been laying here praying, praying she won't call
It's just another call from home
And you'll get it and be gone
And I'll be crying

And I'll be begging you, baby
Beg you not to leave
But I'll be left here waiting
With my Heart on my sleeve
Oh, for the next time we'll be here
Seems like a million years
And I think I'm dying

What do I have to do to make you see
She can't love you like me

Why don't you stay
I'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
Don't I give you what you need
When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay

You keep telling me, baby
There will come a time
When you will leave her arms
And forever be in mine
But I don't think that's the truth
And I don't like being used and I'm tired of waiting
It's too much pain to have to bear
To love a man you have to share

Why don't you stay
I'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
Don't I give you what you need
When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay

I can't take it any longer
But my will is getting stronger
And I think I know just what I have to do
I can't waste another minute
After all that I've put in it
I've given you my best
Why does she get the best of you
So next time you find you wanna leave her bed for mine

Why don't you stay
I'm up off my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
You can't give me what I need
When she begs you not to go
There is one thing you should know
I don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay, yeah

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Hmmm...

Well I really don't have too much to say tonight other than...I'm kinda looking forward to work tonight. It's quiet and I need that right about now. I'm looking forward to getting my work done and then just taking a time out. I may work on my photo's or just put in a cd of Smallville...that usually relaxed me. Well I will blog more tomorrow...maybe I will have more to say..

Sunday, November 9, 2008

This week "What has made me happy"

Here is another list of what has made me happy this week. This past week has been full of ups and downs but needless to say its all good in the hood.

#1 Noni brought me coffee and we went walking at Legion Park Thursday.

#2 I got close to the ground and looked at the beautiful colors of the leaves.
They were pink..fire red...brown..yellow..just every color. It was so
breathtaking.

#3 My son can say the "Pledge of Allegiance" front to back.

#4 I have learned the art of retreating. Just letting go of what pisses me off or hurts me. Why get upset over something that won't change. Getting upset won't change anything or anyone. I'm just shocked that I have done this. Not my usual temperament.

#5 I have a great friend that knows just when to call me. She has me low jacked...I swear she called me 15 times Tuesday. I guess we both needed to hear each other and talk.

#6 I took time to myself Friday and got some great shots of the Fall leaves. It is my favorite time of year ya know!

#7 Found some new music I like. So I burned a cd and I am so rockin out in my car.

#8 I got to work with Mary this weekend...so that always makes me happy.

#9 Today (Sunday) has been very relaxing..no stress...no drama..just quiet..for the most part.

#10 Thanksgiving plans have been made. So that is out of the way.

#11 A close friend of mine came to visit me on Monday. Our lives have thrown us in different direction so getting to visit has been difficult to say the least. She came over and stayed for almost 2 and half hours. It was so nice to see her.

#12 The ability to finally see things for what they are. Its so liberating.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

It Keeps Gettin Better ( very fitting to my personality)

I heard this on the radio today while I was cleaning my office. I'm loving this song. It may have to be my theme song...Enjoy the video. Lyrics are below.



Keeps Getting Better lyrics

Step back gonna come at ya fast
I'm driving out of control
And getting ready to crash
Won't stop shaking up what I can
I serve it up in a shot
So suck it down like a man
So baby yes I know what I am
And no I don't give a damn
And you'll be loving it

Some days I'm a super bitch
Up to my old tricks
But it won't last forever
Next day I'm your super girl
Out to save the world
And it keeps gettin' better

Kiss kiss gonna tell you right now
I'll make it sweet on the lips i'll simply knock you out
Shut up I don't care what you say
Cuz when we both in the ring you're gonna like it my way
Yeah baby there's a villain in me so sexy sour and sweet
And you'll be loving it

Some days I'm a super bitch
Up to my old tricks
But it won't last forever
Next day I'm your super girl
Out to save the world
And it keeps gettin' better

Hold on
Keeps gettin' better
Hold on
Keeps gettin' better

In the blink of an eye
In the speed of the light
I'll hold the universe up
And make your planets collide
When I strap on my boots
And I slip on my suit
You see the vixen in me
Becomes an angel for you

Some days I'm a super bitch
Up to my old tricks
But it won't last forever
Next day I'm your super girl
Out to save the world
And it keeps gettin' better

Some days I'm a super bitch
Up to my old tricks
But it won't last forever
Next day I'm your super girl
Out to save the world
And it keeps gettin' better

Hold on
Keeps gettin' better
Hold on
Keeps gettin' better

I had some time to myself yesterday....

I work in the town that I grew up in..so yesterday was payday and a good reason for me go to this place and to take my camera and get some pictures of the fall colors and some of the river. There is a bluff in this little town that over looks the Ohio River and you can see far into Kentucky...mainly farmland..but its beautiful. I absolutely love to sit on the bluff and watch the water..bridge and just do nothing but sit. Its very peaceful and quiet. I go there anytime I have a chance to. I'm waiting for the chance to go up there..set up my tripod and get a shot of the full moon. When you are up on the bluff it looks like the moon is right over top of you...almost so much that you can touch it. Its magical. That is one shot that I have not been able to get...and something I need to do. I love to watch the moon.
Anywho..I took these pictures from different sides of the town. The picture of the gate..someone built a huge house on the bluff and its incredible...I just look at it and think "who needs that much room?" but its nice to take pictures of. The other shot is of a house on the other side of town. Its an older house with so much character..and a front porch to die for. The view is beautiful. That place is more my speed. I could set out on that porch drinking coffee..or if need be a margarita and relax. I hope you enjoy these shots.



Wednesday, November 5, 2008

My tomorrow...

I'm just not sure how my day will be spent...I think I'm going to a friends house in the morning for a much needed break from everything. Coffee with be waiting and I will need it...I hope to make it there...just depends on how my night at work goes. I may be to tired to function or drive for that matter. I feel like I should just come home..take a sleep aid and pass out until 2pm when my son gets off the bus. I think I would not feel..act...or just be the way I have been if I would just sleep right..eat right and just learn how to back away from things.
I guess its just not in my nature to do that. But I so need to learn...or I will go nuts..and I'm about there. I'm just not sure how much more fight I have in me. And I AM a fighter....but I'm tired of fighting for or about anything. I feel like I have been fighting for months and months. Somethings have bothered me to my core the past week or so..and yes I could have fought or said things....but I can't..I just can't do it anymore. I am backing away and just letting things go. I don't really care where they go.....just go. There IS beauty in letting go. You just have to see if for what it is. Well I have to go to work now and I hope the night goes smooth....and tomorrow goes even better...

Here is one of my favorite Dixie Chicks songs...it relaxes me to sing it...Enjoy

Cowboy Take Me Away

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Halloween

Halloween this year was interesting to say the least. It was good and the kids had a great time. I dressed up as the devil....yeah! I know..How fitting is that?! Noni took some pics of me before I lost the boots and the fish nets. I would post more of those but I don't think my husband would approve of that..They are well...different and not for the world to see. The boots are going back to the store..I really have no need to keep them anymore and I only wore them for about an hour or so! I have another pair in the closet..so I don't need two. My family got together and we took the kids around the neighborhood. They came back with a sack full of candy. My dad always comes and walks with us. I think there were 12 of us and 2 dogs all together. We looked like a biker gang. It was fun and we were all worn out at the end of the day. Maybe next year the day won't be so crazy..and go just a little slower.


This is actually one of my favorite pics that Noni took of me. It kinda freaks me out to be honest. My eyes can tell a story..and I had alot on my mind.


This is Chuck..My sister's boyfriend..my someday brother in law. I call him my brother from another mother..He loves to torment me and I hate clowns with a passion. But his plan backfired. He tried to jump out from the trees and scare me.
I didn't get scared....I guess I was kinda numb and it just didn't work..Poor guy! he tried hard though...




Fireman and witchy poo

My hubby relaxing between all the madness

My sister and her family








Me and my sis....

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

So very tired....

Not much to say today other than I am so tired....I feel like I could sleep for weeks. I think I am worn down..way down...just from having too much to do and to much on my mind....

So I got on YouTube and looked around at stuff that struck some good emotions and memories in my heart. This is the Faith Hill and Tim McGraw video to "Its Your Love. This song was played at our wedding. This is the song we danced to. I have not heard this song or seen the video in forever....



Here is the song that was played at our wedding before the wedding march started. My sister started to ball when the song started...and had to go into the bathroom...and then that is when I started to shake.....but I got over it....
The official video is disabled and its my favorite one... so I picked out the best one I could find.

Pool Shark

We went to a baby shower on Sunday and my son found something to occupy his time. A pool table. He loved it! He loves numbers and anything that moves. I was scared because he was carrying around a big stick and I was afraid someone would lose an eye or something else...but it was all good. He did a great job and he played for over an hour straight.....