Beautiful Sky.....

I took these shots on 12-11-08. The sky had a weird pink overcast to it...and when I went outside it was so much more colorful. These are just a few shots I got from the front of my home..down the street and from the back porch.

A quick..what's going on with me..

December 19,2008 I went in for gallbladder surgery and I almost did not make it out alive. The doctor went in a punctured my vena cava (which is the largest vein in the body) tore my peritoneum (covers the intestines)and bruised and kicked around my spleen. After he took out my gallbladder...which they do while you are sitting up on the surgery table..they laid me back and my abdomen began to fill with blood. I had internal bleeding and they could not see where it was coming from. So he opened me up and had to look for the bleed. It was in my vena cava and it was told to us that it had clotted off and the bleeding had stopped. I went in surgery with a hemoglobin of around 13...which in normal for a female..came out of surgery with a hemoglobin of 8. I did not know what had happen to me. I went in surgery around 11am and was supposed to be out of recovery and back to my room by 1pm. All I remember is having this terrible pain in my stomach..looking at the clock and it was 6pm or later and having a morphine pump for pain. Someone told me what had happened..but I wasn't getting it. I was so drugged. My friends told me that I was very swollen and looked awful. The whole weekend was a blur..I don't remember much at all...other than pain and thinking how am I going to swing being off of work for 6 weeks. Well Sunday I kept having the weird beating feeling in my head. It didn't hurt but it sounded like drums banging in my ears and I could feel it in my neck. My pulse was fast and I knew something was wrong. Then my skin started to turn yellow and very white and I had a ton of swelling in my back..legs...hips...butt..everywhere. I was swollen like a dead fish. Noni gave me a bath late that night..I finally laid down around 1am. I was pooped. Noni told the nurse that something was wrong with me before she left. I was sleeping good until 3am then the lab person came in and stuck me for the 20th time. I fell back to sleep..then at 3:25am my nurse and the lab person came back in and said that I had a hemoglobin of 6.1 and that means I don't have enough blood in my body to keep my organs or my heart going. That would explain why my heart was working so hard to pump. I called my husband, Erica and Noni. Everyone was there and I was scared to death. There are things I felt and things I said but I would rather not comment on that right now. I had a weird calm about me and I was not sure if I was going to live or die. It was not looking good at all. Everyone was upset..wanting answers and solutions. My husband was ready to beat the hell out of the doctor for taking everything so lightly. I was so weak I don't really remember alot of stuff. Next thing I know I am going to get a CT Scan to make sure I'm not bleeding internally and then I was to get 2 units of blood. I had no internal bleeding thank God! The day was scary and not something I would ever want to go through again. All I could think of was my son and how I needed to be strong for him..because he needs his mom and I need him. Alot of things became very clear to me after it was over with. Now I just have to sort all of it out. Not right now..I don't have the strength for it..but in time when I'm stronger I will.

Nobody's Home.......

This song is by Avril Lavigne. "Nobody's Home" Listen to the lyrics. Has anyone ever felt like this? Lost...maybe...?

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"Nobody's Home"

I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.

What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.
Yeah,oh

She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah

Happy? Mmm let me think?

This week has went by like a blur. I don't even remember half of it to be honest. My mind is in so many different place I can't keep up. I worked this past weekend and well it was just work. Let me see if I can remember anything about last week.

#1 Well Monday nights are always interesting around here. Noni came over and we did our usual..Laugh like crazy and make fun of the craziness in our life's..It does help.

#2 I FINALLY got the wedding pictures done. She loved them and so did everyone else. Its possible that I may get more work from people seeing these pictures.

#3 I found out I'm not crazy..I have been having pain for a reason. I have over 10 gallstones and the painful organ is going to go away. Thank God. At this rate I won't have any internal organs left before I'm 40!

#4 My husband and I actually got to spend some quiet time alone. No kid..no phones and the TV was off. WOW!!! Yeah!! I know!!

#4 I got my Christmas tree up and pimped out. Now if I can get the damn cat to leave it alone.

#5 Janette and I had lunch and like usual we have a good chat...catch up..get our daily dose of advice from one another and then complain we ate too much!

#6 Noni found a ring tone that is way to funny. It's called crazy train and the voice on this thing sounds like its on crack and it goes nuts. Its hard to explain how it sounds but...I called Erica Monday night and told her this is her new ring tone on my phone. I played it for her and we laughed so hard I about wet my pants and kept on snorting while I was laughing. I couldn't breath I was laughing so hard. She was driving and I don't know how she didn't run off the road. Man I wish I could put the ring tone on here. The "crazy train" thing is an inside joke between my friends and I. I know...it was a had to be there moment. But it was funny as hell.

#7 It warmed my heart to watch my son get so excited about the Christmas Tree. He loves it.

#8 I have discovered a little pill that will let me have dairy foods. Hello ice cream!! I'm so excited.

I'm sure if I sit and think a bit longer I can remember what else has made me happy this week...but I'm tired and I'm going to sleep....on the couch. My hubby is sooo sick. I love him..but I don't want whatever bug he has!

My Happy this past week.weird week..

Well what has made me Happy this past week? That is a hard question. I feel like I have ran a marathon of emotions this past week. I have had moments that made me feel like I could walk on the clouds and fly...then I have had moments that have rocked me to my core.
Its complicated to describe the moments I have had this week. Some of them so personal that I just don't and won't even dare talk about...and others that I can share. My week started out on a good note..nothing to complain about....Had some really good moments Monday and Tuesday. Then the bomb dropped Weds morning. My cousin called me and my aunt had died of an overdose. Yeah! Did not see that one coming in a million years. This is my biological dads sister. I was not really around my dad but I was around my aunts. They were my only link to this side of the family and my only link to help me figure out..me. The parts of me that I don't know or understand. See.. not having your biological dad around...You kinda feel adopted and you don't know that part of yourself..Kinda like something is missing. Anyway...this is the second sibling my dad had lost in 3 months. My uncle died the end of August. Well having to deal with my aunt dying also meant I would have to deal with my biological dad. I don't usually do that very well. Come to find out I am just as bullheaded as he is. So to make a long story short..then I will get to the happy stuff...My dad and I talked..kinda put some things to rest. All of the family said that it was great to see us talking. They were happy..he is happy..I'm ok with it. But I don't trust men and I still don't trust him..But I'm willing to give it a shot. I don't want a phone call from an aunt telling me that my dad is dead and we never go to make peace between us. I don't think I could handle that sort of torture or guilt. I feel guilt over enough stuff in my life right now. I certainly don't need more.

ok here goes happy.

#1 Spent time with an old friend...and got caught up on some stuff that we had been needing to share. That is always a good thing.

#2 Got to see some of my family that I have not seen in a long time.

#3 put some of my past behind me by talking with my biological dad..Actually learned a few things about myself.

#4 Had a great Thanksgiving with my family.

#5 Me and Stevie went for a ride on the 4 wheeler and go caught up on our lives...We have to get away from everyone to get enough sanity to talk or remember what IS going on in our lives.

#6 I finished a family portrait session and the client loved them! Yippie!

#7 This rocks out!!! Erica will be working on my weekends from now on. This will do me more good than anyone knows! I'm so excited. She says she had to have a dose of Sam every day or so to keep from getting on the CRAZY TRAIN...I feel the same way about her.

#8 Did not think that a 1am phone call that started out as a bitch session would actually solve some problems and make our lives better? I didn't thinks so. Who knew!

#9 Had lunch with my cousin..we had so much catching up to do..we ate lunch for 2 hrs. It was great!

#10 Me and Erica loaded up on coffee and adrenaline and went shopping on Black Friday. We were not out 10 min and I thought I was going to have to use my Christmas money....has bail money. That would have been funny to explain since her hubby is a cop. But he wouldn't be surprised to see us in lock up!!

#11 Janette and I actually got to see each other a couple of times this past week...Wow its a miracle!!

#12 I got to sleep Monday morning away. Loved it!!

#13 As usual I think of myself as being weak and tired as far as certain parts of my life is concerned. But I am learning how to control my weaknesses and not let them control me. I still don't know why I hang on to things that I know will get me no where.....but I still hang on. Stupid or is it just a part of me that will be there forever. But either way..atleast I am in control of how it affects me...right now anyway..But I have to stay positive!