Just Being Sam

To a Stranger

2011-03-16T16:09:00.000-07:00

To a Stranger by Walt Whitman

Passing stranger! you do not know
How longingly I look upon you,
You must be he I was seeking,
Or she I was seeking
(It comes to me as a dream)

I have somewhere surely
Lived a life of joy with you,
All is recall'd as we flit by each other,
Fluid, affectionate, chaste, matured,

You grew up with me,
Were a boy with me or a girl with me,
I ate with you and slept with you, your body has become
not yours only nor left my body mine only,

You give me the pleasure of your eyes,
face, flesh as we pass,
You take of my beard, breast, hands,
in return,

I am not to speak to you, I am to think of you
when I sit alone or wake at night, alone
I am to wait, I do not doubt I am to meet you again
I am to see to it that I do not lose you.

Poetry to me.......Adele

2011-03-09T13:22:00.000-08:00

I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
When we fell, something died
'Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time, oh
Oh, no Let it burn,

One and Only

2011-02-22T13:14:00.000-08:00

I just bought the new Adele CD. Its absolutely wonderful. She has such a soulful voice. I'm past addicted. This song has to be one of my favorites. Its about someone who loves someone that does not want to give their heart away because of a past or being scared! Its very moving! Give it a listen. I guarantee you will become a fan. The YouTube video isn't the best...but good enough!!

One and Only Lyrics

You've been on my mind
I grow fonder every day loose myself in time
Just thinking of your face God only knows
Why it's taking me so long to let my doubts go
You're the only one that I want

I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before
Every feeling every word, I've imagined it all,
You never know if you never tried to forgive your past
And simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
Promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance
To prove I am the one who can
Walk that mile
until the end starts
Have I been on your mind

You hang on every word I say, lose yourself in time
At the mention of my name, will I ever know
How it feels to hold you close
And have you tell me which ever road I chose you'll go

I don't know why I'm scared, Coz I've been here before
Every feeling every word, I've imagined it all,
You never know if you never try to forgive your past
And simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
I promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance
To prove I am the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts

I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart
I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart

Nobody's perfect, it ain't easy, trust me (Ive lerned it), I've given up your heart
Nobody's perfect, it ain't easy, trust me I've given up your heart

I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart
Nobody's perfect, it ain't easy, trust me I've given up your heart

So I dare you to let me be all, the one and only
I promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance
To prove I am the one who can
Walk tat mile until the end starts
Come and give me the chance
To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that miles until the end starts.

My own soundtrack!

2011-01-25T13:22:00.000-08:00

I'm sure everyone hears a song or lots of songs that go right along with moments from your life. Or you hear a song..and you wish you had a moment to go along with that song! I know that sounds crazy...but looks who is blogging! Me!! I have so much music bouncing around in my head. Maybe I should blog the music and if appropriate blog the memory. I won't give dates or names...but just let it out! Hmm...if your a sensitive soul....just be prepared!! LOL!! I'm kinda open when I write..I may offend or I crack you up or bring tears...who knows!! I will attempt to do this often. Not every song has a great YouTube vid to go with it, but I will post the closest thing I can and the lyrics! BEWARE!! I can be a sap and a big b*tch!

This song reminds me of a look in someones eye. The look of go ahead..you can't hurt me. Leave! It was cold...no pulse..no warmth. Nothing. Of course it killed me to my core. I was shattered beyond words. But little did he know...I would haunt him a lot longer than it ever would me. I never wished that for this person..but its funny how life works.

HOW STRONG ARE YOU NOW...

When she told you goodbye
You didn't flinch
When she looked back
You didn't even budge an inch
You stood there like stone
But now that she's gone

[CHORUS]

How strong are you now
Without her around
You can't even keep one little bitty tear
From fallin' down
Tell me how strong are you know

Before she left you told yourself
It can't hurt that much
Now you're doubled over
Like you took a punch
No, she ain't coming back
Tell me how much can you take of that

[REPEAT CHORUS]

Tell me how strong are you now - yeah
How strong are you now - oh, oh
What's that rule you live by
You say tough guys never cry
But how strong are you now

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Song of the day...

2011-01-15T12:57:00.000-08:00

I love her voice....so I play a lot of her music. My son listens to everything I listen too.....within reason. Today he has been stuck on this song. I mean the boy is using the Wii controller and is singing his heart out in the kitchen. If I don't sing with him...he wants to give me a "butt whippin". Lol!

Happy New Year

2010-12-31T15:25:00.000-08:00

I'm not going list a bunch of stuff I plan to accomplish this year. I don't like to make plans period. I just hope this year is great and that everyone that I love is healthy and happy. I also wish the same for me! Be safe and have a blast tonight. See ya next year!

Pink - It's All Your Fault - Live in Australia DVD - Funhouse Tour

2010-06-15T11:53:00.000-07:00

I love this whole freakin album!!

I'd conjure up the thought of being gone
But I'd probably even do that wrong
I try to think about which way
Would I be able to and would I be afraid

Cause oh I'm bleeding out inside
Oh I don't even mind (yeah)

It's all your fault
You called me beautiful
You turned me out
And now I can't turn back
I hold my breath
Because you were perfect
But I'm running out of air
And it's not fair

Da da dada da dada da
Da dadadadadada da dadadadadada

I'm trying to figure out what else to say (what else could I say?)
To make you turn around and come back this way
(Would you just come back this way)
I feel like we could be really awesome together
So make up your mind cause it's now or never (oh)

It's all your fault
You called me beautiful
You turned me out
And now I can't turn back
I hold my breath
Because you were perfect
But I'm running out of air
And it's not fair

I would never pull the trigger
But I've cried wolf a thousand times
I wish you could
Feel as bad as I do
I have lost my mind

It's all your fault
You called me beautiful
You turned me out
And now I can't turn back
I hold (I hold) my breath (my breath)
Because you were perfect
But I'm running out of air (running out of air)
And it's not fair

(Oh yeah
It's all your fault)

I hold my breath
Because you were perfect
But I'm running out of air
And it's not (it's not) fair

Pink - The One That Got Away Live - I'm Not Dead Tour DVD

2010-06-04T13:01:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite Pink songs. I sing this aleast once a day..LOL!

The Notebook / Lifehouse - Everything

2010-05-31T12:20:00.000-07:00

This is my favorite song. I have lots of songs that I love..but this has to be "the one". For some reason it draws all kinds of warmth from deep inside of me to the surface.

It reminds me of a cool summer almost fall night. Slight breeze blowing against my skin. The full moon above with a few clouds covering it like a warm blanket. The sound of the tree tops dancing in the wind. The taste of a long awaited kiss. Warm skin touching ever so gently. The long look into each others eyes that can say a million things without one word being spoken. The depth of a strong embrace ..wishing it could last forever...The beautiful feeling of two hearts pounding for each other says "EVERYTHING"

When I need to find my peace...my happy place...to get away from the world. This is the image in my mind..I will listen to this song over and over until my dark clouds pass by.

Run

2010-02-11T19:06:00.000-08:00

This is simply beautiful........

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I'll sing it one last time for you

Then we really have to go

You've been the only thing that's right

In all I've done

And I can barely look at you

But every single time I do

I know we'll make it anywhere

Away from here

Light up, light up

As if you have a choice

Even if you cannot hear my voice

I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder

And we'll Run for our lives

I can hardly speak I understand

Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes

Makes it so hard not to cry

And as we say our long goodbye

I nearly do

Light up, light up

As if you have a choice

Even if you cannot hear my voice

I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder

And we'll run for our lives

I can hardly speak I understand

Why you can't raise your voice to say

Slower slower

We don't have time for that

All I want is to find an easier way

To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear

We're bound to be afraid

Even if it's just for a few days

Making up for all this mess

Light up, light up

As if you have a choice

Even if you cannot hear my voice

I'll be right beside you dear

Just like a pill

2010-01-28T18:38:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite Pink songs...........I have had this type of relationship before...thanking God everyday that I don't now!

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Pic by Erica

2010-01-19T19:25:00.000-08:00

I went to Erica's today. Its been forever since we have gotten together to work on picture edits. Ron got her some studio lights and back drop for Christmas..so we were working it over today. She took pics of Jenna bug and of me and of us together. We had a great day. But it went by way to fast.

Some lost pics of the Summer time...

2009-12-16T18:39:00.000-08:00

I was going through my pictures and trying to send some of them to my external hard drive. I found these pictures...I totally forgot about them. I have to say I love the first one where I have my hubby in a head lock! Typical me! He loves it..don't let him fool ya!!

Christmas Time again....

2009-12-15T08:33:00.001-08:00

Im sorry I have not blogged in soo long. Life is crazy and Im just in it for the ride. I miss blogging....its cheap therapy so to speak. Anywhoo the holidays are hear again. I hope to actually enjoy them this year. Here is a cute shot I got of Samuel and the Christmas tree in my office. He was looking out the window..talking about where santa was. I asked him where Santa was at and he said "Santa is a the Walmart Mom..we need to go!" He is soo funny!!!

Blog Slacker!!

2009-06-11T09:35:00.000-07:00

Sorry everyone. I have been a slacker in the worst way. I have a ton of pics and events to post..but I just haven't had the will to do it. Not sure why..but I have been stubborn and not wanted to share. I will get back on it asap. I promise. Thanks

New Tattoo..Sister Tats to be exact!

2009-05-18T18:51:00.001-07:00

My sister is leaving in 2 weeks to move to Florida. We have always wanted to get tattoo's that said sisters or a symbol for it. I did some digging and found the Japanese symbols for "Sisters". We agreed on the symbol and I took it to the tattoo artist and had everything ready for 9pm on a Friday night. Well she made me go first and I didn't argue. It hurt like hell and she had to set there and watch me do this. Then it was her turn. She did great..but she is a bleeder. We have the same tats but mine is outlined in green and hers is black. The same but different..Just like us! After it was over me and Stevie..Erica and Noni went out to the Yellow Rose and had a great time. I will post more of those pics soon. I love my tat and I love that my sister has one like it!!!

Erica..Noni..Stevie and Me!!

How you doin? LOL!!

Me and Erica!!

All done....

Trents Graduation

2009-05-18T17:55:00.000-07:00

Trent graduated last Tuesday night from Owensboro Community College with a degree in Arts. He is now working on his second degree. We were so proud of him. The first picture is of Trent and his girlfriend Andrea. The next one is of me, Trent and Laz. the rest is of Laz and I. We rarely get dressed up so I had Katie take a few pics of us.

So proud!!

2009-05-12T12:53:00.000-07:00

Today our oldest Trent graduates from college. We are so proud of him. I will have pictures posted when I can.

No Randomness today...

2009-04-30T18:34:00.000-07:00

Today has been a good day..Tired..but good. Then my sister tells me the date of when she is leaving....moving to Florida. I was doing good until she put a date with it! After she left.. I fell apart. I love her and can't be upset with her. It's a better life for her, Katie and Chuck. I want her to be happy. But I guess the thought I always had in my head just isn't panning out to plan. We had our babies together. They are 4 days apart in age. They love each other soooo much. I thought we would raise them together...and go through everything together. But all that will be different now. Today I watched them play in Samuel's room together and it killed me. That is when the sadness and selfishness sat in. I don't want them to leave....but I won't tell them that. Because if given the right chance..I would be outta here with my family as well. I want them to have more chances...more life...more everything! All I keep telling myself is that its just Florida and not California..And Chuck will take good care of my girls. Ok I have to shut up now...I feel the stinging of more tears...

Randomness Day 3 Wk 2

2009-04-29T08:02:00.000-07:00

Today is a good day..My hubby is home and we don't have to do anything..And that is rare!!

Ok...here we go!

1. Sleeping in with my hubby on his day off!

2. Sitting on the couch with my laptop and coffee.

3. My cat gets curled up next to me.

4. Sitting on the back porch..listening to the radio and chilling out!

5. Riding on the Motorcycle with my hubby!! Love It!!!

Randomness Day 2 Wk 2

2009-04-28T13:51:00.000-07:00

Today has been a bit stressful. So I am looking at the things that bring me peace.

1. Sitting in a hot bath for an hour..listening to music.

2. Laying my head on my hubby's chest and watching TV in our bed..and he scratches my back.

3. Watching Samuel play with his cars...trains and books.

4. Falling asleep in my big fat chair..I did that this morning.

5. No noise....just the birds singing...or my fan blowing...AHHHH!!!

Randomness Day 1 Wk 2

2009-04-27T04:36:00.000-07:00

I didn't blog over the weekend..I was sooo busy..and just living my life..so here are a few of the things I like.

1. Laying in the sun and watching my kiddo play in the water.

2. M & M Blizzard from Dairy Queen..Yummy!!

3. We walked the Green Belt Saturday for the March of Dimes..I didn't realize how much I missed walking.

4. I love my hubby's kisses.

5. Watching the wind blow through the trees.

Randomness Day 6 wk 1

2009-04-24T04:03:00.000-07:00

It's Friday !!!

1. I love it when my husband wakes me up through the night..He! He!

2. When I wake up to a warm morning and I can sit on my porch..drink coffee and watch the sun come up in my pj's...It's great!

3. Opening the windows...turning up the radio and cleaning my house is actually one of my favorite things in the world..Crazy I know..But I find peace in it!

4. My skin is sensitive...bummer. The older I get the worse it gets.

5. Looking through the lens of my camera and knowing instantly that I have captured something great....That makes me feel almost high!!!

Randomness Day 5 Wk 1

2009-04-23T07:03:00.000-07:00

Here is my randomness for Thursday.

1. I love my flannel sheets.

2. I can't stand posers.

3. I get a kick out of looking for scrapbooking paper..and getting it cheap.

4. Black and White photos are my favorites.

5. I love having lunch with Noni.

Randomness Day 4 wk 1

2009-04-22T06:38:00.000-07:00

I'm going to do this rather fast..I'm tired and not in a good mood!

1. I have to have my fan going when I sleep. Its a must!

2. Toosh rub is better than a back rub...to me anyway!

3. I love cheescake...

4. I love to drive the Expo..and soon that is all I will be driving! Yippie!!

5. I have more bottles of lotion than I can count. Lotion is a must when I get out of the shower.

Randomness Day 3 Wk 1

2009-04-21T08:54:00.000-07:00

My Randomness for Tuesday.

1. My husbands cologne "Curve" drives me wild!!

2. I love to hear the birds chirp before the sun comes up.

3. I'm wrapped up in my fleece blanket..either my Scooby Doo or my new one with my name on it most of the time when we are on the couch...Janette got me both of them.

4. Silver jewerly is my favorite.

5. I love to sing to Mozart. That started in high school.

Healing....

2009-04-21T08:29:00.000-07:00

I have finally reached a place of healing in my life. I have needed healing of all sorts. Emotionally..Mentally..and Physically. The physical healing hit me like a Mack Truck. I didn't expect to nearly die when I had my gall bladder taken out in December. Ohh the mess it caused. I was so swollen..cut up and bruised. It was nasty! These pictures are from Jan 3, 2009. I had my surgery Dec 19, 2008. This is not pretty so be prepared...BLAH!!! My muscles (the fascia) had to be stitched back together and they were soo uneven..And if you notice..so is the incision!

Before:

After: April 20,2009

Noni just took these for me. Its amazing how different my stomach and the incision looks. But I still hate it! I'm very aware of it everyday. But I kinda look at it as Karma. I was a big ol horses ass this year and well what goes around comes back around. And this scar reminds me everyday of what I have done wrong and what I don't want to ever do again. So I guess it serves a purpose. I think that is what you call a "Godsmack".

I'm still sore above my navel...but it gets better the more I do. I have not attempted sit ups yet..But I have been doing a yoga move. It's called the "Thinking position". My friend Erica showed me how to do it. She says it builds your core. I was thinking "whatever!" until I tried it. WOWZERS!! It's harder than it seems. You have to get into the push up position..put your elbows and forearms on the floor under you body. Keep your feet like you would when you are doing push ups..Lower your butt and back down. Your body must stay horizontal..Then you hold it. Harder than it sounds. Ron..Erica's husband was in the Army and he said this is what was done to them for torture....to make them think before they made another stupid mistake. I can understand why now! I'm up to 45 seconds....doesn't sound like alot..but it is! Try it and you will understand!

Randomness Day 2 Week #1

2009-04-20T14:02:00.000-07:00

Here is day number 2!!

1. I love Double Chocolate Chip Frapp with a shot of Raspberry and Peppermint from Starbucks!! Only a small though. My heart can't take it! Throws me into a funky beat!

2. Sweet Tea is my drink of choice all year around...Southern girl!!

3. I hate underwear!!

4. When I'm mad or just upset..I turn up the music that fits my madness and I stand at the sink in the kitchen...look out the window and sing as hard and as loud as I can. Great and cheap therapy!!! It has saved many lives!

5. Lord knows I'm hard headed..but its the truth. Pull my hair all day long and I will just laugh...It does not hurt! Ever!

Random..week #1

2009-04-19T15:29:00.000-07:00

This is my first "randomness stuff" about me. Trust me it's silly...but true.

1. I can't live without lipgloss...Addictive.

2. Shower curtain being left open drives me nuts.

3. When I say "shut the door"..I mean all the way..Not pulled too. That makes me crazy.

4. When I wake up. My blinds have to be open. I don't like it to be dark in my house. Unless I'm sleeping.

5. I know all the words to Hotel California....even drunk!

Ok..that is the first five.....Leave a message if you would like to....

Blah and Crazy

2009-04-03T15:39:00.000-07:00

Yeah! I know!! I have not blogged in almost a month. Sorry peeps. I have had a lot going on the past month. I have been dealing with a lot of private matters that have just about drove me to insanity...and its a short trip!!! I'm trying to get my grip on some stuff and move on toward greater things....But easier said than done. I will start posting again soon...I promise. I have tons of things to talk about and share..just not the energy to do so. But I will leave you guys with a picture Im so proud of that I took Tuesday of my friends children....

My sister is engaged

2009-03-13T19:42:00.000-07:00

Tonight my sister calls me and as soon as I answer the phone I can tell she is crying. I said "whats wrong!" I was totally freaked...and that was all in the span of 4 seconds. She was crying and said that Chuck had just asked her to marry him...and she got THE RING!!! The ring she has eyeballed for 2 years. Needless to say Chuck went through all the proper steps. He asked our Dad for Stevie's hand...asked for his parents blessing...then the killer...he asked Katie..(Stevie's daughter..she is 5 years old). When they told us that....well that is when I started to cry. So I dried my happy tears and managed to get some pictures of the beautiful ring. Then he started telling Stevie that he is going to write his own wedding vows and also write a set for Katie as well....And needless to say the tears were a flowing again. Laz started laughing at us. We were all happy and sappy! This man makes my sister sooo happy...and treats my niece as if she is his own child. That in my book is a MAN. I call him my brother from another mother. I trust Chuck...and I don't usually trust men. I am fill with comfort and peace with knowing how much he loves my sister and my niece. She has found a wonderful man and I have never seen her so happy. So now we have to start planning the engagement party for when they get back from vacation.

The only delima I have is...how am I going to be the Maid of Honor and the Photographer? Chuck said to put my camera in my flowers....I'm not sure that will work...but we will figure something out!!!

So Congrats Stevie and Chuck....We love you!!! Oh and here is your ring pics Sis..I
hope you like them.

Hugs from my kiddo!!!

2009-03-11T14:51:00.000-07:00

Saturday was a beautiful day...windy but great. Noni and I took the kids to Legion Park to let them run wild. She took these pics of me and my kiddo. I really love them. He was huggin his mommy and that is my most favorite thing in the world.

Wasup...

2009-02-13T06:49:00.000-08:00

Life is getting back to normal..what ever that means. My life is starting to calm down finally. I am loving it! But now that I have said it outload...watch out!! Samuel is doing great in school and getting more full of it everyday. He has a lose tooth...and a girlfriend. Ohh lord...Im in some trouble. Laz is doing well...his work is crazy like normal..but he is doing great! I have reach my weight goal..or should I say my size goal. I got into a size 8 pants. That is what I had wanted. I don't remember even being that size in high school. Im so excited to go shopping and wear what I want to wear. I feel so much better. Laz has never complained about my weight or the way I look...and I love that about him..but he does not want me to lose anymore weight. I just need to tone up now. Florida should be fun!! I can't wait to be running on the beach with my son and not feeling FAT!!! I have new pics that one of my best buds took for me as a gift for my hubby on Valentines Day..I will post them soon.

Im in hell

2009-01-29T08:56:00.000-08:00

Well I am in the 5th circle of hell!! I have no power..but I do have some heat. I have a woodburner insert in the fireplace. My family room downstairs and the living room upstairs and kitchen are staying warm. The rest of the house is shut off. My bedroom was 52 degrees and we are not staying in there!!! We are taking baths by warming up water on the woodburner. It does work out really well. Our food and milk is outside on the porch. I do ok when I have someone to talk to or music to listen to. If not I get really upset and I can't stand it. Right now Im with Noni and her children. That helps tons. We all are a big family and we all help and support each other. That is a great feeling.

If this last much longer Im going to visit family else where for the sake of my son. He is bored to tears! He is out of his routine and that is not good for a child with Autism. But Im so very proud of him. He is doing well. Mom is the basketcase!!! Dad feels frustrated and out of control. Its killing him to be at work and not with us. He worries too much. If I can get out then Im good. Well its time for me to get out and venture to the Wal-mart and get some things done. If anyone needs me...email and I will get back with you when I can...I love everyone...yes...everyone!!!!

Angels.....

2009-01-21T16:37:00.000-08:00

Last night I laid down in bed...put my MP3 player in my ears and started listening to my music. Mind you...I last usually about 15 minutes and I'm out..so I don't hear very many songs. Well last night the next one up was this song. It's by Robbie Williams. To be honest...I liked the guy but didn't really know the softer music that he had..I just heard a few of his songs..thought he was cute and kinda nuts and that was about it. But a friend of mine told me about this song and a few others of his that I might like. And at the time..I did like them. But I had forgotten about this song..until it came on last night while I was trying to sleep. It's really beautiful and maybe one of my favorites now. I just wanted to share this great song!
Lyrics are posted below..

Enjoy!!!

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Angels lyrics
I sit and wait
Does an angel contemplate my fate
And do they know
The places where we go
When we're grey and old
'cos I have been told
That salvation lets their wings unfold
So when I'm lying in my bed
Thoughts running through my head
And I feel the love is dead
I'm loving angels instead

And through it all she offers me protection
A lot of love and affection
Whether I'm right or wrong
And down the waterfall
Wherever it may take me
I know that life won't break me
When I come to call she won't forsake me
I'm loving angels instead

When I'm feeling weak
And my pain walks down a one way street
I look above
And I know I'll always be blessed with love
And as the feeling grows
She breathes flesh to my bones
And when love is dead
I'm loving angels instead

And through it all she offers me protection
A lot of love and affection
Whether I'm right or wrong
And down the waterfall
Wherever it may take me
I know that life won't break me
When I come to call she won't forsake me
I'm loving angels instead

And through it all she offers me protection
A lot of love and affection
Whether I'm right or wrong
And down the waterfall
Wherever it may take me
I know that life won't break me
When I come to call she won't forsake me
I'm loving angels instead

Happy time again..

2009-01-17T18:43:00.000-08:00

Well its been a while since I have blogged about being happy. I have not been in the mood to blog all that much. Getting well has worn me out. But here it goes.

1. I'm glad to be alive.

2. I'm blessed to have the best friends in the whole world. Friends that will give you a bath, help you to the bathroom, defend you, clean your house and even support your husband at a really stressful time... Yeah! I have the bestest friends ever!!

3. My son made the A/B honor roll!!! I know its Kindergarten..but still!!!

4. I am actually more chipper these days...Pharmaceuticals are wonderful!!

5. I'm happy to know that some friendships never end..even when they have seen rough times.

6. I finally got to clean most of my house..well upstairs anyway!!! Running the sweeper is a no..no..and now I know why....that about killed me!! I'm a stubborn soul.

7. Im glad to just be happier and healthier and more adjusted these days!

Because you love me

2009-01-11T16:25:00.000-08:00

My eyes are open again to those who love me and want the best for me. I again feel the warmth my heart has been needing for so long. I feel whole and complete. I believe in what is unseen again. God has given me another chance to love and to be loved in a real way. I'm so blessed....all over again.

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Because You Love Me"

I don't know how I survived
In this cold and empty world for all this time
I only know that I'm alive
Because you love me

When I recall what I've been through
There's some things
That I wish I didn't do
Now I do the things I do
Because you love me

And now that you're in my life
I'm so glad I'm alive
'Cause you showed me the way
And I know now how good it can be
Because you love me

And now that you're in my life
Oh, I'm so glad I'm alive
'Cause you showed me the way
And I know now how good it can be
Because you love me

I believe in things unseen
I believe in the message of a dream
And I believe in what you are
Because you love me

With all my heart and all my soul
I'm loving you and I never will let go
And every day I'll let it show
Because you love me
Because you love me
Because you love me

Insane about basketball..already!

2009-01-01T14:09:00.000-08:00

New Years Eve night U of L and UNLV were playing and I had it on in the kitchen. Samuel was getting aggrivated because he did not have a good enough view of the tv. So he goes into the dinning room and pulls a chair up to the counter and gets all comfy in front of the tv. I showed him what team and what color the team was wearing so he would know who to root for. Of course Dad loves U of L soooo that is who we rooted for. He was so cute just sitting there watching the game..getting excited..yelling and screaming at the TV. As a basketball fan I was so very proud of my boy getting into the game. As a mom it just kills me how fast he is growing and soon I'm very sure he will be playing basketball and I will be the one doing the yelling and screaming.

Beautiful Sky.....

2008-12-31T09:27:00.000-08:00

I took these shots on 12-11-08. The sky had a weird pink overcast to it...and when I went outside it was so much more colorful. These are just a few shots I got from the front of my home..down the street and from the back porch.

A quick..what's going on with me..

2008-12-27T19:18:00.000-08:00

December 19,2008 I went in for gallbladder surgery and I almost did not make it out alive. The doctor went in a punctured my vena cava (which is the largest vein in the body) tore my peritoneum (covers the intestines)and bruised and kicked around my spleen. After he took out my gallbladder...which they do while you are sitting up on the surgery table..they laid me back and my abdomen began to fill with blood. I had internal bleeding and they could not see where it was coming from. So he opened me up and had to look for the bleed. It was in my vena cava and it was told to us that it had clotted off and the bleeding had stopped. I went in surgery with a hemoglobin of around 13...which in normal for a female..came out of surgery with a hemoglobin of 8. I did not know what had happen to me. I went in surgery around 11am and was supposed to be out of recovery and back to my room by 1pm. All I remember is having this terrible pain in my stomach..looking at the clock and it was 6pm or later and having a morphine pump for pain. Someone told me what had happened..but I wasn't getting it. I was so drugged. My friends told me that I was very swollen and looked awful. The whole weekend was a blur..I don't remember much at all...other than pain and thinking how am I going to swing being off of work for 6 weeks. Well Sunday I kept having the weird beating feeling in my head. It didn't hurt but it sounded like drums banging in my ears and I could feel it in my neck. My pulse was fast and I knew something was wrong. Then my skin started to turn yellow and very white and I had a ton of swelling in my back..legs...hips...butt..everywhere. I was swollen like a dead fish. Noni gave me a bath late that night..I finally laid down around 1am. I was pooped. Noni told the nurse that something was wrong with me before she left. I was sleeping good until 3am then the lab person came in and stuck me for the 20th time. I fell back to sleep..then at 3:25am my nurse and the lab person came back in and said that I had a hemoglobin of 6.1 and that means I don't have enough blood in my body to keep my organs or my heart going. That would explain why my heart was working so hard to pump. I called my husband, Erica and Noni. Everyone was there and I was scared to death. There are things I felt and things I said but I would rather not comment on that right now. I had a weird calm about me and I was not sure if I was going to live or die. It was not looking good at all. Everyone was upset..wanting answers and solutions. My husband was ready to beat the hell out of the doctor for taking everything so lightly. I was so weak I don't really remember alot of stuff. Next thing I know I am going to get a CT Scan to make sure I'm not bleeding internally and then I was to get 2 units of blood. I had no internal bleeding thank God! The day was scary and not something I would ever want to go through again. All I could think of was my son and how I needed to be strong for him..because he needs his mom and I need him. Alot of things became very clear to me after it was over with. Now I just have to sort all of it out. Not right now..I don't have the strength for it..but in time when I'm stronger I will.

Nobody's Home.......

2008-12-10T16:17:00.000-08:00

This song is by Avril Lavigne. "Nobody's Home" Listen to the lyrics. Has anyone ever felt like this? Lost...maybe...?

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"Nobody's Home"

I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.

What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.
Yeah,oh

She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah

Happy? Mmm let me think?

2008-12-09T19:17:00.000-08:00

This week has went by like a blur. I don't even remember half of it to be honest. My mind is in so many different place I can't keep up. I worked this past weekend and well it was just work. Let me see if I can remember anything about last week.

#1 Well Monday nights are always interesting around here. Noni came over and we did our usual..Laugh like crazy and make fun of the craziness in our life's..It does help.

#2 I FINALLY got the wedding pictures done. She loved them and so did everyone else. Its possible that I may get more work from people seeing these pictures.

#3 I found out I'm not crazy..I have been having pain for a reason. I have over 10 gallstones and the painful organ is going to go away. Thank God. At this rate I won't have any internal organs left before I'm 40!

#4 My husband and I actually got to spend some quiet time alone. No kid..no phones and the TV was off. WOW!!! Yeah!! I know!!

#4 I got my Christmas tree up and pimped out. Now if I can get the damn cat to leave it alone.

#5 Janette and I had lunch and like usual we have a good chat...catch up..get our daily dose of advice from one another and then complain we ate too much!

#6 Noni found a ring tone that is way to funny. It's called crazy train and the voice on this thing sounds like its on crack and it goes nuts. Its hard to explain how it sounds but...I called Erica Monday night and told her this is her new ring tone on my phone. I played it for her and we laughed so hard I about wet my pants and kept on snorting while I was laughing. I couldn't breath I was laughing so hard. She was driving and I don't know how she didn't run off the road. Man I wish I could put the ring tone on here. The "crazy train" thing is an inside joke between my friends and I. I know...it was a had to be there moment. But it was funny as hell.

#7 It warmed my heart to watch my son get so excited about the Christmas Tree. He loves it.

#8 I have discovered a little pill that will let me have dairy foods. Hello ice cream!! I'm so excited.

I'm sure if I sit and think a bit longer I can remember what else has made me happy this week...but I'm tired and I'm going to sleep....on the couch. My hubby is sooo sick. I love him..but I don't want whatever bug he has!

My Happy this past week.weird week..

2008-12-02T17:15:00.000-08:00

Well what has made me Happy this past week? That is a hard question. I feel like I have ran a marathon of emotions this past week. I have had moments that made me feel like I could walk on the clouds and fly...then I have had moments that have rocked me to my core.
Its complicated to describe the moments I have had this week. Some of them so personal that I just don't and won't even dare talk about...and others that I can share. My week started out on a good note..nothing to complain about....Had some really good moments Monday and Tuesday. Then the bomb dropped Weds morning. My cousin called me and my aunt had died of an overdose. Yeah! Did not see that one coming in a million years. This is my biological dads sister. I was not really around my dad but I was around my aunts. They were my only link to this side of the family and my only link to help me figure out..me. The parts of me that I don't know or understand. See.. not having your biological dad around...You kinda feel adopted and you don't know that part of yourself..Kinda like something is missing. Anyway...this is the second sibling my dad had lost in 3 months. My uncle died the end of August. Well having to deal with my aunt dying also meant I would have to deal with my biological dad. I don't usually do that very well. Come to find out I am just as bullheaded as he is. So to make a long story short..then I will get to the happy stuff...My dad and I talked..kinda put some things to rest. All of the family said that it was great to see us talking. They were happy..he is happy..I'm ok with it. But I don't trust men and I still don't trust him..But I'm willing to give it a shot. I don't want a phone call from an aunt telling me that my dad is dead and we never go to make peace between us. I don't think I could handle that sort of torture or guilt. I feel guilt over enough stuff in my life right now. I certainly don't need more.

ok here goes happy.

#1 Spent time with an old friend...and got caught up on some stuff that we had been needing to share. That is always a good thing.

#2 Got to see some of my family that I have not seen in a long time.

#3 put some of my past behind me by talking with my biological dad..Actually learned a few things about myself.

#4 Had a great Thanksgiving with my family.

#5 Me and Stevie went for a ride on the 4 wheeler and go caught up on our lives...We have to get away from everyone to get enough sanity to talk or remember what IS going on in our lives.

#6 I finished a family portrait session and the client loved them! Yippie!

#7 This rocks out!!! Erica will be working on my weekends from now on. This will do me more good than anyone knows! I'm so excited. She says she had to have a dose of Sam every day or so to keep from getting on the CRAZY TRAIN...I feel the same way about her.

#8 Did not think that a 1am phone call that started out as a bitch session would actually solve some problems and make our lives better? I didn't thinks so. Who knew!

#9 Had lunch with my cousin..we had so much catching up to do..we ate lunch for 2 hrs. It was great!

#10 Me and Erica loaded up on coffee and adrenaline and went shopping on Black Friday. We were not out 10 min and I thought I was going to have to use my Christmas money....has bail money. That would have been funny to explain since her hubby is a cop. But he wouldn't be surprised to see us in lock up!!

#11 Janette and I actually got to see each other a couple of times this past week...Wow its a miracle!!

#12 I got to sleep Monday morning away. Loved it!!

#13 As usual I think of myself as being weak and tired as far as certain parts of my life is concerned. But I am learning how to control my weaknesses and not let them control me. I still don't know why I hang on to things that I know will get me no where.....but I still hang on. Stupid or is it just a part of me that will be there forever. But either way..atleast I am in control of how it affects me...right now anyway..But I have to stay positive!

Change......

2008-11-23T19:26:00.001-08:00

This was me almost a year ago on Christmas. I think I look like a big fat swollen pig. But that is just me. It had been a really hard year and it wasn't over. I think I was dealing with my feeling by loading up on the chocolate. Back in the day I would not eat..so I felt really out of control. I was not taking care of myself at all. Dealing with Autism...sick husband..hysterectomy at the young age of 33 and on top of that..I could feel a change coming on and I was fighting it. But was it a change I was fighting or just fighting my true self coming out. I had hid her away for sooo long and I was so scared of her....would anyone love me....for me. I still don't know the answer to that one. Well anyway...April of this year came about...and one day I just snapped and I have been different every since that day. Look below......

So this is me now...I have dropped over 40 pounds and I have went down 7 sizes in pants almost 8 sizes. I can't say that I'm any better at taking care of myself..but I'm more picky about what I eat and that I try to get more exercise. Since the cold weather has set in....I don't go out to walk..but I have been on the treadmill and the weights...and I love my punching bag..Trust me..I need that!!! I have changed in many other ways..Some I feel comfortable talking about..some I don't. I have gotten over the fact that I need to please everyone...It just doesn't work and it wears me out. I won't walk on glass for anyone anymore. Maybe someone should walk on glass for me. AND me being *pleasing*...over that! I won't take anyones crap...And I want some damn respect for being the woman that I am...not the woman everybody wants me to be...If you don't like who I am...sorry for ya! I feel the way I feel..I am the way I am....I won't make excuses for my feelings or the way I see things. I just can't be that way anymore.....

Sanctuary

2008-11-14T18:21:00.000-08:00

This is my tiny peaceful place for sanity...for a get away...and also work..when need be. This is my place in the house were everyone stays out unless I want you there. If I go in and shut the door...good chance that if you open the door..you may get something thrown at you....no not really..but I like to be left alone for awhile. I love my big fat chair ! My husband got me this about a year and half ago. I could sit in it all day. Usually in the mornings after my son gets on the bus..I get my coffee, laptop and a blanket and I sit and check my email and try to wake up or I fall back to sleep. Depends on the day. I have been doing alot of my photography edits in this chair. It keeps my back from hurting and I can stretch out my legs..good thing because of my crappy knee!
I try to hang up pictures that I have taken and other things to inspire me in this room. Pics of my family...friends..and my SMALLVILLE stuff. You know I have a big o poster and my calendar. Love looking at that. All my girlfriends like to look at that! I spend alot of time in this room during the day when I'm alone. I don't turn on the TV..I turn up the music and get to work...get creative. I return emails.. blog and try to learn more about photography. I can't spend all day in there....But I would love to on most days.

Song of the Year "Stay" by Sugarland

2008-11-13T16:48:00.000-08:00

Sugarland won "song of the year" last night. I was rooting for this song. The first time I saw the video about a year ago..I balled....Just watching her sing about a pain she knows all too well. All the girls at work would turn this up and sing it...
It's one of my favorite video's just because of the raw emotion. Jennifer Nettles wrote this song...and she sings it with such openess ..So here ya go...Lyrics are listed at the bottom.....I LOVE Sugarland and Jennifers voice!

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I've been sitting here staring at the clock on the wall
And I've been laying here praying, praying she won't call
It's just another call from home
And you'll get it and be gone
And I'll be crying

And I'll be begging you, baby
Beg you not to leave
But I'll be left here waiting
With my Heart on my sleeve
Oh, for the next time we'll be here
Seems like a million years
And I think I'm dying

What do I have to do to make you see
She can't love you like me

Why don't you stay
I'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
Don't I give you what you need
When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay

You keep telling me, baby
There will come a time
When you will leave her arms
And forever be in mine
But I don't think that's the truth
And I don't like being used and I'm tired of waiting
It's too much pain to have to bear
To love a man you have to share

Why don't you stay
I'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
Don't I give you what you need
When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay

I can't take it any longer
But my will is getting stronger
And I think I know just what I have to do
I can't waste another minute
After all that I've put in it
I've given you my best
Why does she get the best of you
So next time you find you wanna leave her bed for mine

Why don't you stay
I'm up off my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
You can't give me what I need
When she begs you not to go
There is one thing you should know
I don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay, yeah

Hmmm...

2008-11-12T19:29:00.000-08:00

Well I really don't have too much to say tonight other than...I'm kinda looking forward to work tonight. It's quiet and I need that right about now. I'm looking forward to getting my work done and then just taking a time out. I may work on my photo's or just put in a cd of Smallville...that usually relaxed me. Well I will blog more tomorrow...maybe I will have more to say..

This week "What has made me happy"

2008-11-09T17:02:00.000-08:00

Here is another list of what has made me happy this week. This past week has been full of ups and downs but needless to say its all good in the hood.

#1 Noni brought me coffee and we went walking at Legion Park Thursday.

#2 I got close to the ground and looked at the beautiful colors of the leaves.
They were pink..fire red...brown..yellow..just every color. It was so
breathtaking.

#3 My son can say the "Pledge of Allegiance" front to back.

#4 I have learned the art of retreating. Just letting go of what pisses me off or hurts me. Why get upset over something that won't change. Getting upset won't change anything or anyone. I'm just shocked that I have done this. Not my usual temperament.

#5 I have a great friend that knows just when to call me. She has me low jacked...I swear she called me 15 times Tuesday. I guess we both needed to hear each other and talk.

#6 I took time to myself Friday and got some great shots of the Fall leaves. It is my favorite time of year ya know!

#7 Found some new music I like. So I burned a cd and I am so rockin out in my car.

#8 I got to work with Mary this weekend...so that always makes me happy.

#9 Today (Sunday) has been very relaxing..no stress...no drama..just quiet..for the most part.

#10 Thanksgiving plans have been made. So that is out of the way.

#11 A close friend of mine came to visit me on Monday. Our lives have thrown us in different direction so getting to visit has been difficult to say the least. She came over and stayed for almost 2 and half hours. It was so nice to see her.

#12 The ability to finally see things for what they are. Its so liberating.

It Keeps Gettin Better ( very fitting to my personality)

2008-11-08T14:13:00.000-08:00

I heard this on the radio today while I was cleaning my office. I'm loving this song. It may have to be my theme song...Enjoy the video. Lyrics are below.

Keeps Getting Better lyrics

Step back gonna come at ya fast
I'm driving out of control
And getting ready to crash
Won't stop shaking up what I can
I serve it up in a shot
So suck it down like a man
So baby yes I know what I am
And no I don't give a damn
And you'll be loving it

Some days I'm a super bitch
Up to my old tricks
But it won't last forever
Next day I'm your super girl
Out to save the world
And it keeps gettin' better

Kiss kiss gonna tell you right now
I'll make it sweet on the lips i'll simply knock you out
Shut up I don't care what you say
Cuz when we both in the ring you're gonna like it my way
Yeah baby there's a villain in me so sexy sour and sweet
And you'll be loving it

Some days I'm a super bitch
Up to my old tricks
But it won't last forever
Next day I'm your super girl
Out to save the world
And it keeps gettin' better

Hold on
Keeps gettin' better
Hold on
Keeps gettin' better

In the blink of an eye
In the speed of the light
I'll hold the universe up
And make your planets collide
When I strap on my boots
And I slip on my suit
You see the vixen in me
Becomes an angel for you

Some days I'm a super bitch
Up to my old tricks
But it won't last forever
Next day I'm your super girl
Out to save the world
And it keeps gettin' better

Some days I'm a super bitch
Up to my old tricks
But it won't last forever
Next day I'm your super girl
Out to save the world
And it keeps gettin' better

Hold on
Keeps gettin' better
Hold on
Keeps gettin' better

I had some time to myself yesterday....

2008-11-08T08:01:00.000-08:00

I work in the town that I grew up in..so yesterday was payday and a good reason for me go to this place and to take my camera and get some pictures of the fall colors and some of the river. There is a bluff in this little town that over looks the Ohio River and you can see far into Kentucky...mainly farmland..but its beautiful. I absolutely love to sit on the bluff and watch the water..bridge and just do nothing but sit. Its very peaceful and quiet. I go there anytime I have a chance to. I'm waiting for the chance to go up there..set up my tripod and get a shot of the full moon. When you are up on the bluff it looks like the moon is right over top of you...almost so much that you can touch it. Its magical. That is one shot that I have not been able to get...and something I need to do. I love to watch the moon.
Anywho..I took these pictures from different sides of the town. The picture of the gate..someone built a huge house on the bluff and its incredible...I just look at it and think "who needs that much room?" but its nice to take pictures of. The other shot is of a house on the other side of town. Its an older house with so much character..and a front porch to die for. The view is beautiful. That place is more my speed. I could set out on that porch drinking coffee..or if need be a margarita and relax. I hope you enjoy these shots.

My tomorrow...

2008-11-05T19:35:00.000-08:00

I'm just not sure how my day will be spent...I think I'm going to a friends house in the morning for a much needed break from everything. Coffee with be waiting and I will need it...I hope to make it there...just depends on how my night at work goes. I may be to tired to function or drive for that matter. I feel like I should just come home..take a sleep aid and pass out until 2pm when my son gets off the bus. I think I would not feel..act...or just be the way I have been if I would just sleep right..eat right and just learn how to back away from things.
I guess its just not in my nature to do that. But I so need to learn...or I will go nuts..and I'm about there. I'm just not sure how much more fight I have in me. And I AM a fighter....but I'm tired of fighting for or about anything. I feel like I have been fighting for months and months. Somethings have bothered me to my core the past week or so..and yes I could have fought or said things....but I can't..I just can't do it anymore. I am backing away and just letting things go. I don't really care where they go.....just go. There IS beauty in letting go. You just have to see if for what it is. Well I have to go to work now and I hope the night goes smooth....and tomorrow goes even better...

Here is one of my favorite Dixie Chicks songs...it relaxes me to sing it...Enjoy

Cowboy Take Me Away

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Halloween

2008-11-05T16:04:00.000-08:00

Halloween this year was interesting to say the least. It was good and the kids had a great time. I dressed up as the devil....yeah! I know..How fitting is that?! Noni took some pics of me before I lost the boots and the fish nets. I would post more of those but I don't think my husband would approve of that..They are well...different and not for the world to see. The boots are going back to the store..I really have no need to keep them anymore and I only wore them for about an hour or so! I have another pair in the closet..so I don't need two. My family got together and we took the kids around the neighborhood. They came back with a sack full of candy. My dad always comes and walks with us. I think there were 12 of us and 2 dogs all together. We looked like a biker gang. It was fun and we were all worn out at the end of the day. Maybe next year the day won't be so crazy..and go just a little slower.

This is actually one of my favorite pics that Noni took of me. It kinda freaks me out to be honest. My eyes can tell a story..and I had alot on my mind.

This is Chuck..My sister's boyfriend..my someday brother in law. I call him my brother from another mother..He loves to torment me and I hate clowns with a passion. But his plan backfired. He tried to jump out from the trees and scare me.
I didn't get scared....I guess I was kinda numb and it just didn't work..Poor guy! he tried hard though...

Fireman and witchy poo

My hubby relaxing between all the madness

My sister and her family

Me and my sis....

So very tired....

2008-11-04T17:20:00.000-08:00

Not much to say today other than I am so tired....I feel like I could sleep for weeks. I think I am worn down..way down...just from having too much to do and to much on my mind....

So I got on YouTube and looked around at stuff that struck some good emotions and memories in my heart. This is the Faith Hill and Tim McGraw video to "Its Your Love. This song was played at our wedding. This is the song we danced to. I have not heard this song or seen the video in forever....

Here is the song that was played at our wedding before the wedding march started. My sister started to ball when the song started...and had to go into the bathroom...and then that is when I started to shake.....but I got over it....
The official video is disabled and its my favorite one... so I picked out the best one I could find.

Pool Shark

2008-11-04T05:55:00.001-08:00

We went to a baby shower on Sunday and my son found something to occupy his time. A pool table. He loved it! He loves numbers and anything that moves. I was scared because he was carrying around a big stick and I was afraid someone would lose an eye or something else...but it was all good. He did a great job and he played for over an hour straight.....

List of Happy

2008-10-26T19:07:00.000-07:00

What has made me happy this past week...I will try to keep this simple...try!

My son got 100% on is math test.

I got White chocolate raspberry and peppermint mocha coffee creamer.

Friday after my shoot..I was watching the sun peak through the clouds and it was beautiful.

One more person in this world told me they understand me better...always a plus.

Watched my son pick up leaves in the yard.

I had a banana pudding shake....a friend told me about it..so I had to try it.

My fall clothes are too big...Yeah!!!

Erica's laugh..when we talk about being on the "crazy train express" and we are sitting in the back seat...and wonder how we can get up front to get off the train!

I got to watch Sex and the City and it was great.

Noni and I laughed as we read bumper stickers on myspace...We could do that all day..I had not laughed like that in weeks.

Watching my son eat 2 big pancakes..my biscuit...3 chicken nuggets and fries..THAT Never Happens...

My family and one of my best friend's family went to the apple fest and dinner...we had a great time. Erica and I even got to go to Wally world alone without kids. We felt like we were 16 again.

I fell asleep on the couch with the fireplace going.

Was kissed by the man I love.......felt like sunshine on my skin....

Sleeping on my flannel sheets....

Being so thankful for the wonderful God given friends that I have...they are the best.
Talking with a great old friend.......

Listening to my windchimes and the wind blow through the trees.

Taking a bubble bath when the house is quiet....other than my music playing.

Having lunch with Janette.....

Sitting on my porch having coffee..

One of my photographs won an award.....

I got a cheap ring that I have wanted forever. For $7.99.....Instead of 30 bucks...

My son gave me big hugs and let me hold his hand.

Got a really great hair cut! I thought it was too short...but I have had more compliments on my hair like this....then when it was long.....Punked Out is what my friends call it. I love it!! It just needs a couple of red streaks and Im good to go.

Listened to "Heavenly Day" by Patty Griffin in the car....always relaxes me....

Sat in the quiet a few times this week...just to listen to my own thoughts and my own feelings.......attempted to center myself. Not an easy thing for me to do. But I did it and I was happy with myself for making the effort to even try....

I have discovered Beethoven's Immortal Beloved......here are a few lines

Be calm, only by a clam consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together - Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.
ever thine
ever mine
ever ours

That is the stuff that can melt a womans heart...I'm a sucker for poetry or writing from the heart....can't believe I admitted I like mushy girl stuff.

This may seem like a silly list with silly things.....but its just stuff that rolles around in my head. We always complain about what upsets us or messes up our days...so why not be thankful for the small things that keep us sane...

Tree's

2008-10-25T14:14:00.000-07:00

I had a shoot at Yellow Creek Park on Friday. It had rained all day and that usually brings out the color in the leaves. I got some really good shots of the trees and all the colors changing...I hope to get more shots soon.

Nights in Rodanthe.......

2008-10-15T16:34:00.000-07:00

Last night Janette and I went out on a long overdue girls night out. It has been months and months since we had been out and talked and caught up on what has been going on in our lives. We went to Texas Roadhouse and had appetizers. I had a huge Margarita..could not have come at a better time....and Nettie had a beer. After sitting there for awhile and talking about our crazy lives....we headed over to Wally World to get candy..ohh and me some new lip gloss (Tropical Punch)best one I have ever gotten...taste good. Anyhoo! We went to the movies. The only chick flick they had was Nights in Rodanthe. Ok...I kinda knew what I was walking into because this book is from the author that wrote Message in a Bottle, and (my fav) The Notebook. I don't want to give to much of it away because those that read my blog may want to go and see this movie. But all three of these movies have similar things in common. The beach....writing letters...and a love so strong and binding that it shakes your very soul. Janette and I were the only people in the theater. Thank the Lord for that....because we both were crying so hard..it would have been embarrassing. I was trying to hold it in so hard that I thought I was going to explode. I have not cried that hard in a month or two. More than likely not a good movie for me to be watching...kinda emotional ..The lead actress in this movie was so good. To watch her cry and grieve was truly amazing. You could actually feel every emotion she was going through.....
I woke up this morning with my eyes so swollen that it looked like I had water injected into my eyelids....and they have hurt all day....and getting worse the longer this night drags on. If you get a chance go and see this movie. Take some Kleenex and Visine.
Watching this movie..I have actually learned a few things about love...or not really learned but had to be reminded. A good love is supposed to make you better than what you are. A good love makes you want to be a better person....a good love makes anything almost possible.

Being silly........

2008-10-07T13:16:00.000-07:00

Last week daddy felt like crap and went to bed really early...so before Samuel went to bed and I went back to work on my edits...I got lucky enough to get a few shots of me and my boy. He hates the flash on my camera...so that is the reason for the squinty eyes. But I did get some really sweet kisses out of the deal. They are not perfect or the best pictures in the world..but we like them.

My favorite shot.....

Kinda Lazy Weekend..not really...

2008-10-06T16:00:00.000-07:00

Saturday and Sunday we worked in the backyard. We were putting a building up for the bikes, Samuel's toys and stuff for the pool. Our yard goes downhill and it was a bitch trying to level the ground so this building would be straight. I can't stand for things to be crooked or off balance so I had no patience for this what so ever. Plus I had been up since Friday morning @ 5:30 am and this was Saturday eve...and I was getting tired of it fast. I got really quiet..because I was getting ready to scream. Thank goodness Laz could handle the madness. He kept me from freaking out. Samuel had a blast though. He was helping Daddy move dirt, pick up rocks and whatever else he thought he could do. When we all finally made it into the house..we looked like we rolled in the dirt. When supper was over Laz took a shower..Samuel passed out in is room and I fell asleep at the dinner table. Yeah! I passed out with my head on the table. Laz got out of the shower and I heard him laughing. I woke up and had mascara on my arm and I was checking for drool. I was so tired and had been up for way to long. After my shower..we went to bed at 9pm and I don't even remember moving..turning over or anything. Next thing I know Samuel is between the both of us wanting oatmeal and Noggin at 7am. I could have slept three more hours.
We made it to church..Lowes..and Taco Bell and then home. Laz watched the race until Jeff Gordon got all smashed up :) He! He! Then he and Trent went outside to start on the building..again. This time I stayed in the house. I watched the race, fixed the roast..did laundry and cleaned house...and work on some photo's. So I guess the weekend was not too lazy after all. But we did get to stay home and did not have to be anywhere other than church. That was a nice change of pace.

Samuel painting...he was so into it!

It took me an hour or more to cut up everything to go into this roast. Of course we could not eat it Sunday night...but I let it cook all night and we just had it for supper tonight. Ohh and I actually baked a cake from scratch..not from a box. Noni thinks I have lost my mind. I never even attempt to do that. I can cook..but Im not Betty Crocker! Baking is not my thing usually.

This is my new toy. I waited a year before I decided to buy it. I really needed a bigger screen for my editing. The color is great and I can see everything I need to see.

Our new Baby J.....

2008-09-29T19:47:00.000-07:00

Today Erica (one of my bestest friends) had a big corn fed fat little baby girl. She is a whopping 9 pounds and 9 oz and 21 1/2 in long....and a head full of hair. She is just perfect. Erica did so so good. She got a little sick after the c-section...and hurting of course..but she did great. Everyone was betting on how much she was going to weigh. I just said I'm not sure but she is going to be big..and she is. Her daddy is always pulling my leg and lying to me just to aggravate..because that is how he is...so he came out of the room and I asked him how much she weighed..he said "9 pounds 9oz." I told him to shut up and tell me the truth. I did not believe him! And he was telling the truth this time. I could not believe it.Big Brother Luke did a wonderful job too. He was such a good boy..nervous...but really good! She is so beautiful and I can't wait to just sit and hold her to check her out..and tell her stories about her Mommy and her Aunt Menca.
So get ready for it...I will be posting this little angel alot....She is still my Chloe..and no that is not her name!

He is loving baseball....or any other sport for that matter!

2008-09-24T19:35:00.000-07:00

This boy found his bat and ball and kept yelling "lets play daddy!" So Samuel and Daddy head out to the front yard to play baseball. Of course at this time of the day my son refuses to take of his PJ's...and he gets attached to certain items of clothing and you can forget taking them away from him...hence the pajama bottoms that are too small..and his Lightening McQueen underwear are sticking out in the picture below. Ohh well some battles are just not worth worrying about....if he is happy..I'm Happy! Daddy and Samuel played ball for a good while and he was pooped out when he came back in the house. My boy is a lefty....he may have future in this sport. Ya never know!

My morning view (from my front porch)

2008-09-17T19:16:00.000-07:00

On a good day...I will have time to sit out on my front porch in my robe and get to drink a cup of coffee. I did that today with my husband actually. But I have not done it since I took these shots. Every once in awhile I get to see a beautiful sunrise and get pictures of it. That is my new coffee mug from Ron Jon's Surf Shop.

Our Bridal Shoot

2008-09-13T19:23:00.000-07:00

Today Noni and I had a bridal shoot. I wasn't looking forward to it because this week had been rough and I was not really in the mood..but....things worked out....I'm out of my funk..I picked Noni up and away we went. We had a blast. Even though it was hot as hell and the wind was making the bride's veil go crazy..it was still great. We had a great location to work with. The wedding will be a the same place next weekend. I'm not going to post pics of the bride because there is no telling who might be checking out my blog..I don't want to ruin the surprise...so I will post them after next Saturday. We have rehearsal Friday at 5pm..then we have to be at the house to take pictures at noon on Saturday and the wedding is at 4:30 pm.....Whew! this is going to be crazy and fun......

So True......

2008-09-13T07:52:00.000-07:00

A friend sent me this poem this morning......

Maybe we were supposed to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that, when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.

Maybe when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but, often times, we look so long at the closed door that we don't even see the new one which has been opened for us.

Maybe it is true that we don't know what we have until we lose it, but it is also true that we don't know what we have been missing until it arrives.

Maybe the happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

Maybe the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; after all, you can't go on successfully in life until you let go of your past mistakes, failures, and heartaches.

Maybe you should dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go, be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of, and want to do.

Maybe there are moments in life when you miss someone - a parent, a spouse, a friend, a child, your girlfriend/boyfriend -- -- so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real, so that once they are around you appreciate them more.

Maybe the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

Maybe you should always try to put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that something could hurt you, it probably will hurt the other person, too.

Maybe you should do something nice for someone every single day, even if it is simply to leave them alone.

Maybe giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart; but if it doesn't, be content that it grew in yours.

Maybe happiness waits for all those who cry, all those who hurt, all those who have searched, and all those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of all the people who have touched their lives.

Maybe you shouldn't go for looks; they can deceive; don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one who makes your heart smile.

Maybe you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy.

Maybe . . you should try to live your life to the fullest because when you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling, but when you die, you can be the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

Dear Mr. President.....

2008-09-12T17:22:00.000-07:00

Bush Sucks....but that is just my opinion.....
I love this song!!!!

"Dear Mr. President"
(feat. Indigo Girls)

Dear Mr. President,
Come take a walk with me.
Let's pretend we're just two people and
You're not better than me.
I'd like to ask you some questions if we can speak honestly.

What do you feel when you see all the homeless on the street?
Who do you pray for at night before you go to sleep?
What do you feel when you look in the mirror?
Are you proud?

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?
How do you walk with your head held high?
Can you even look me in the eye
And tell me why?

Dear Mr. President,
Were you a lonely boy?
Are you a lonely boy?
Are you a lonely boy?
How can you say
No child is left behind?
We're not dumb and we're not blind.
They're all sitting in your cells
While you pave the road to hell.

What kind of father would take his own daughter's rights away?
And what kind of father might hate his own daughter if she were gay?
I can only imagine what the first lady has to say
You've come a long way from whiskey and cocaine.

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?
How do you walk with your head held high?
Can you even look me in the eye?

Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Minimum wage with a baby on the way
Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Rebuilding your house after the bombs took them away
Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Building a bed out of a cardboard box
Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work
You don't know nothing 'bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work
Oh

How do you sleep at night?
How do you walk with your head held high?
Dear Mr. President,
You'd never take a walk with me.
Would you?

Lessons Learned

2008-09-12T11:32:00.000-07:00

"And all the things that break you, Are all the things that make you strong, You can't change the past,Cause it's gone, And you just gotta move on, Because it's all, Lessons learned." That is what I had forgotten........
My motto was "What does not kill you makes you stronger." I am stronger than what I have been. I don't ever again need or want to be the person I have been the past 6 months. It has went on for far to long. I suppose the vaseline is coming off of the lens and its about time. What was I thinking? It's time to take control and be the woman I know I am and have always been. Find the woman inside that I can be proud of again....

This video is not good...but you can hear the music...so it works..Thanks for reading my blog...I promise from now on I will be sane!

"Lessons Learned"

There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some bitter endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo,
Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don't really matter,
Life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

[Chorus:]
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should've taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds,
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

[Chorus:]
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

And all the things that break you,
Are all the things that make you strong,
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone,
And you just gotta move on,
Because it's all,
Lessons learned.

[Chorus:]
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Lessons learned.

Sweet Sacrifice

2008-09-11T03:08:00.000-07:00

"Sweet Sacrifice"

It's true, we're all a little insane.
But it's so clear,
Now that I'm unchained.

Fear is only in our minds,
Taking over all the time.
Fear is only in our minds but it's taking over all the time.

You poor sweet innocent thing.
Dry your eyes and testify.
You know you live to break me. Don't deny.
Sweet sacrifice.

One day I'm gonna forget your name,
And one sweet day, you're gonna drown in my lost pain.

Fear is only in our minds,
Taking over all the time.
Fear is only in our minds but it's taking over all the time.

You poor sweet innocent thing.
Dry your eyes and testify.
And oh you love to hate me don't you, honey?
I'm your sacrifice.

(I dream in darkness
I sleep to die,
Erase the silence,
Erase my life,
Our burning ashes
Blacken the day,
A world of nothingness,
Blow me away.)

Do you wonder why you hate?
Are you still too weak to survive your mistakes?

You poor sweet innocent thing.
Dry your eyes and testify.
You know you live to break me.
Don't deny.
Sweet sacrifice.

Miranda Lambert week....

2008-09-08T12:49:00.000-07:00

Ok..I will be posting songs from Miranda Lambert this week...I love her music...yes she is very country...but I likes it....
The video is very crappy....sorry...but that is all there is.....

This is called (Easy from now on)

"Easy From Now On"

There he goes gone again
Same old story's gotta come to an end
Lovin' him was a one way street
But I'm gettin' off where the crossroads meet

It's a quarter moon in a ten cent town
Time for me to lay my heartaches down
Saturday night gonna make myself a name
Take a month of sundays to try and explain

It's gonna be easy to fill
The heart of a thirsty woman
Harder to kill the ghost of a no good man
And I'll be ridin' high in a fandangled sky
It's gonna be easy
It's gonna be easy from now on

Raw as whip but clean as a bone
Soft to touch when you take me home
When the mornin' comes and it's time for me to leave
Don't worry 'bout me, I got a wild card up my sleeve

It's gonna be easy to fill
The heart of a thirsty woman
Harder to kill the ghost of a no good man
And I'll be ridin' high in a fandangled sky
It's gonna be easy, It's gonna be easy
It's gonna be easy from now on

SheDaisy.... In Terms Of Love....

2008-09-05T09:20:00.000-07:00

I really like this song..My daughter brought it to my attention a while back....I know of a lot of ladies that feel this way about an old love or a love that went bad or just love in general....Its a good song to listen to if you want to put the past and the bad stuff behind you.....I love it and rock out to it when i can...Enjoy!

"In Terms Of Love"

Now and then I confess you cross my mind
Now and then I guess I have a little too much time
I've changed my way of thinking
I've tried hard to separate what came too soon
From what came too late

I don't think about me in terms of you
I don't think about you in terms of us
I don't think about us in terms of love
I don't think about then in terms of now
I found a way to start again somehow
I don't think about what we thought it was
Oh, in terms of love
Oh, in terms of love

I'm countin' on heaven to understand
I didn't mean to go and mess up all the plans
Sometimes you know where you should go
Before you know the way
I'll bother with tomorrow
Once I made it through today

I don't think about me in terms of you
I don't think about you in terms of us
I don't think about us in terms of love
I don't think about then in terms of now
I found a way to start again somehow
I don't think about what we thought it was
Oh, in terms of love
Mmmm, hummm, yeah

I don't think about black in terms of grey
Or revelations in the light of day
I don't think about cold in terms of ice
Or second chances happenin' twice

I don't think about me in terms of you
I don't think about you in terms of us
I don't think about us in terms of love
I don't think about then in terms of now
I found a way to start again somehow
I don't think about what we thought it was
Oh, in terms of love

(I don't think about me in terms of you)
(I don't think about you in terms of us)
In terms of love

(I don't think about then in terms of now)
(I found a way to start again somehow)
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
I don't think about us in terms of love

Album of the Year..Miranda Lambert...one of my favorite songs from the album..she rocks!

2008-09-04T11:47:00.000-07:00

I love this album (Crazy Ex Girlfrind)....I listen to it all the time...This song is do beautiful and her voice is great in this....Now I have Noni hooked on it....let me know what ya think...
Oh and if you want to leave a comment...Go ahead...If you don't want to be known ..make it anonymous..plus I moderate comments before they post....Thanks...

"More Like Her"

She's beautiful in her simple little way
She don't have too much to say when she gets mad
She understands she don't let go of anything
Even when the pain gets really bad
Guess I should've been more like that

You had it all for a pretty little while
And some how you made me smile when I was sad
You took a chance on a bruised and beaten heart
Then you realized you wanted what you had
I guess I should've been more like that

I should have held on to my pride
I should have never let you lie
I guess you got what you deserverd
I guess I should've been more like her

Forgiving you, she's stronger than I am
You don't look much like a man from where I'm at
It's plain to see desperatino showed it's truth
You love her and she loves you with all she has
I guess I should've been more like that

I should have held on to my pride
I should have never let you lie
I guess you got what you deserverd
I guess I should've been more like her

She's beautiful in her simple, little way

Tourniquet

2008-09-02T17:57:00.000-07:00

"Tourniquet"

I tried to kill the pain
but only brought more
so much more
I lay dying
and I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal
I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming
am I too lost to be saved
am I too lost?

my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation
my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation

do you remember me
lost for so long
will you be on the other side
or will you forget me
I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming
am I too lost to be saved
am I too lost?

my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation
my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation

I want to die!!!

my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation
my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation

my wounds cry for the grave
my soul cries for deliverance
will I be denied Christ
tourniquet
my suicide

The way I am

2008-08-24T13:44:00.000-07:00

This is an old Merle Haggard song...that I just love...and Miranda Lambert covers it in her shows.

Wish I was down on some blue bayou,
With a bamboo cane stuck in the sand.
But the road I'm on, don't seem to go there,
So I just dream, keep on bein' the way I am.
Wish I enjoyed what makes my living,
Did what I do with a willin' hand.
Some would run, ah, but that ain't like me.
So I just dream and keep on bein' the way I am.

The way I am, don't fit my shackles.
The way I am, reality.
I can almost see that bobber dancin',
So I just dream, keep on bein' the way I am.

The way I am, don't fit my shackles.
The way I am, reality.
I can almost see that bobber dancin',
So I just dream, keep on bein' the way I am.

I just dream, keep on bein' the way I am.

New Video from one of my favorite bands.....

2008-08-20T14:01:00.000-07:00

Say (All I Need) One Republic

"Say (All I Need)"

Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?
Or did you trade it for something
Somewhere better just to have it?
Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong, but
Nothing's turned out how you wanted

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Do you know what your fate is?
And are you trying to shake it?
You're doing your best and
Your best look
You're praying that you make it

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Better than you had it
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Yeah, better than you had it (Better than you had it)

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Whenever the end is
Do you think you can see it?
Well, until you get there
Go on, go ahead and scream it
Just say it

The journey to this day.....

2008-08-20T07:37:00.000-07:00

To get to this day has been a long long journey. Erica and I both have boys and they are six months apart in age and they are the best of friends just like their mommy's. We have always known each other through other people...but she started working with me when she was 7-8 months preggers with Luke...and Samuel was a tiny baby. That is when we began our journey of friendship.
Its weird how you just know about people. I had seen her at Holiday World a few years before we had babies and we all said Hi to each other...and even then I knew she would be one of my best friends...I just knew it...didn't know how..but I knew! Funny thing is she said she felt the same way. Some people are just connected that way. I swear..I can always tell when she is having trouble or just needing me. I will call her and she is like.."what the hell!" It freaks her out! Now that she is preggers and has all these hormones and they are tuned in let me tell ya. I swear she has me lowjacked!!! I can be upset...worried..really really pissed or just being bad and she knows! She called me out of the blue one day and said "What did you do?" I said "Damn your just like my mom..she knew what I was going to do before I did it!" She completely gets my whacked out raunchy sick sense of humor.Its really bad. I don't usually let that side of me out..but when I'm with her..I can completely be me...because she is the same way.
But that is how we are. She is always there for me no matter what is going on and I'm there for her.
Now we have shared many heartbreaks...tears..laughs..and sorrows..happy and sad stories. This is odd but I have literally been with her when she had 2 miscarriages. Erica called me on my birthday (Feb 2) to tell me that she thought she was pregnant. I told her I already knew that. I could just tell. I was the only one other than her hubby and mom that knew about this. I kept it secret for months. Now I have become attached to this little girl that will be here in about 5 wks ...if she will just stay in there! I call her Chloe or the Chloster! No that is not her name..but that is what I call her. Now even Erica calls her Chloe. I can't wait to see her. Erica will have a C-section at the end of Sept. I'm going to be there with my camera in hand..to take Chloe's first picture. This is kinda like the little girl I will never have...so I will get to take part in her life...and be her Aunt Menca! Erica and I do agree on one thing. She is going to be a hell raiser and we are going to have to be on our game to keep her in line. Matter of fact we talked about this at 2am this morning. We are going to have to remember all of our old tricks that we used to use...and that got us in trouble..Because we know she is going to do the very same thing....we were bad! We hope to keep her out of trouble..and hope that Luke and Samuel will help us.

Pictures from Noni.

2008-08-14T10:22:00.000-07:00

Ok I was a complete crying fool on Tuesday. I was so emotional about so many things..but the main thing was my baby boy starting school the next day. To just be blunt..because I am...I felt like shit..I was mad...sad...felt robbed. My heart was breaking into a million pieces. Now when I get this way...its not good for anyone...I'm just horrible! I felt like if I did not get out of this house I was going to go bonkers. I had told Noni...before the break down..that I would call her..well I didn't call for an hour because I could not talk for crying so hard. When I could finally speak...I called her and all that would come out is AAHHHHHH!!!! She felt so bad for me! I told her we were going to the park and asked if she would come and get a few pics of me and Samuel. Being the good friend she is..of course! We get there and he just wants to play and so I let him run and have a ball. Noni got pics of us playing...I have not worked on them yet. Then we went into the grass and he was chasing squirrels and running around. She got some really great shots of us sitting by a tree. I will cherish these forever. It was the last day that I did not have to share him with the world and he was all mine............

This is the song I would sing to him when I was pregnant. I found out I was having a baby boy when I was 13 weeks along. After he was born..we would sit in the rocker and I would sing this song to help him fall asleep.

Godspeed...sweet dreams

"Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)"

Dragon tales and the "water is wide"
Pirate's sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

The rocket racer's all tuckered out
Superman's in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon, will find the mouse
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

God bless mommy and match box cars
God bless dad and thanks for the stars
God hears "Amen," wherever we are
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Godspeed
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

This is Noni..

First day of school...

2008-08-14T09:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Samuel's first day of Kindergarten. I have been dreading this day for a long time. But I put on a brave face and smiled and acted excited and woke him up. He snuck into Mommy and Daddy's bed the night before..so I look over and he is all snuggled up in Daddy's back. I start to wake him up and he tells me "No Mommy! We need some rest." But I started to talk to him about riding the school bus and he shot up out of the bed. Getting him ready is always a challenge...he wants to do one thing and I have to have him do another...we bang heads like two bulls! But Mommy wins! Once we got dressed and the teeth brushed...he was good to go. I let him watch Blue's Clues for about 15 minutes before we went outside to wait for the bus. I snuck some shots in while he was watching TV. I was about to choke to death taking these pictures...but I still held it together. Then it was time to go outside. He went in and woke up Daddy..and said "Daddy I have to go to big boy school now." The bus picks him up at 6:30 am...that is torture for a little guy. We went outside to wait and I got more shots of him in the drive way. When Daddy came outside I gave him the camera and he got a few of me and Samuel. I have to hold him until the bus comes to a stop because the air brakes freak him out...and it took all I had not to start crying and not let him get on that bus. But I put him down and watched him get on the bus. Now I know how my mom felt. She said that when I got on the bus for the first time...It looked like it swallowed me whole because I was so little and it was so big...and she just cried and cried. Well I waited until the door was shut and the wheels were rolling before I lost it. I stood in the driveway watching the bus turn the corner..and I cried and cried. Sat on the porch and cried for about 10 more minutes. Then I went into the house..sat on the couch....and me and the cat cried for about 30 minutes. Laz did not dare say a word to me for awhile...because I may have killed him. I was not in the mood to talk. But after 30 minutes he came in the living room and said "You gonna make it Mom?" I said "this sucks!!!" and that was about it! I just did not have the words. We sat down with our coffee and looked at each other like NOW WHAT ?! It was weird not having a kid in the house in the morning time. We have had kids with us every since we started dating. We sat around and talked...actually got to finish a conversation together. Well he had to leave and go out of town and I got dressed and a little while later Noni and I met for lunch at Red Lobster. We had a few drinks and trust me.....the day just got more weird for me and I should have just stayed at Red Lobster and sat at the bar! I went home and looked around thinking I needed to accomplish something..but said to hell with it. Samuel got home around 2:30 and I was so happy to see him. He is not able to tell me too much about his day..but I kept asking and we went through his backpack to see what all was in his folder. I'm so glad that first day is over with. Today is much better..I have kept busy..so that helps. I kinda like this quiet and freedom to get things done.....but I do miss my baby/boy.

Gotta fit in Blue's Clues

Ok...It's time to go now......

Mommy's puffy sad eyes!!

Im ready for big boy school now!

I'm barely holding together...can't we just forget about the bus......

Off he goes.....

My heart is so broken

2008-08-12T09:16:00.000-07:00

My baby is going to be thrown into the world tomorrow. It hit me so hard that I just started crying like an idiot. I have been holding this back for a few weeks thinking I would do just fine...boy was I wrong. I have just been watching him all morning..thinking that this will never ever be the same. I know its part of him growing up and me having to let go....but I feel like my heart is breaking into a million pieces today. I love him so much and I am so worried about how he will fit into this world. Samuel has a different beat to his drum and not everyone will be able to understand why he is the way he is...and this world is cruel and not very generous about giving people chances. I am scared for him. I don't want the world to change him....but he can change the world if he chooses too. He will be out of my reach but I hope that he knows that I love him and I will always be here when he comes home. I will always be there for him. He is the love of my life...my heart and my soul.

You Can't Lose Me.....

.

"You Can't Lose Me"

A little girl, a little small for her age
A little too slow for the field day race
Momma's waiting at the finish line
And wipes the teardrops from her eyes
She says, "You did just fine honey, that's okay
"Sometimes life's just that way
"You're gonna lose the race from time to time
"But you're always gonna find

"You can't lose me
"Bet your life
"I am here and I will always be
"Just a wish away
"Wherever you go
"No matter how far
"My love is where you are
"You won't be lost if you believe
"You can't lose me"

Momma use to say "Girl it won't be long
'"Til it's time to go out on your own
"Chase your dreams find your place in life
"I know you'll do just fine"
When that day finally came
There were things she needed to but could not say
So I whispered softly as I wiped
The tears from Momma's eyes

"You can't lose me
"Bet your life
"I am here and I will always be
"Just a wish away
"Wherever I go
"No matter how far
"My love is where you are
"You won't be lost if you believe
"You can't lose me"

WARNING..Tired Causes Weakness!!!! Really!!

2008-08-09T10:18:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to see a trend in my behavior and my actions when I am very tired. I start acting like an idiot. Well I call it weakness! When I am this tired...I have been up since 6:30 am yesterday..yes Friday morning. I begin to get very emotional and maybe a little angry....just angry at myself..I try not to let that out on the population..because I have a bad temper. My mind starts to run a million miles an hour...and I am too tired to keep up with it. I get mad at myself and start to cry...or I hear music,something or someone..and that can just set it off. I try to hide that part of myself when people call or stop by.....I laugh and say the things that I need to...but really...part of me just wants to scream at that person for no good reason at all(no matter who you are).....then cry...That is what I call Weakness...not being able to control my emotions. I don't like letting my 3rd personality out....she tends to get into trouble or she rats me out about the things I don't want to discuss......and that's never good.....So BEWARE those of you I love...just stand back and let it pass..because it will. And to those I don't love..Run...Run as fast as you can the opposite direction of me. You will be safer that away....

ohh I have double blogged today..

Heavenly Day

2008-08-08T15:49:00.000-07:00

Is it possible to have a heavenly day? To be happy and still next to the one you love. There is not a good video for this song. I heard it on Smallville (of course). It was the episode "Promise". One of the best episodes ever. This video shows their love affair...through the good and bad....Its only fitting for me to use a Smallville clip...Enjoy...This song rocks...

"Heavenly Day"

Oh heavenly day, all the clouds blew away
Got no trouble today with anyone
The smile on your face I live only to see
It's enough for me, baby, it's enough for me
Oh, heavenly day, heavenly day, heavenly day

Tomorrow may rain with sorrow
Here's a little time we can borrow
Forget all our troubles in these moments so few
All we've got right now, the only thing that
All we really have to do
Is have ourselves a heavenly day
Lay here and watch the trees sway
Oh, can't see no other way, no way, no way
Heavenly day, heavenly day, heavenly day

No one at my shoulder bringing me fears
Got no clouds up above me bringing me tears
Got nothing to tell you, I've got nothing much to say
Only I'm glad to be here with you
On this heavenly, heavenly, heavenly, heavenly
Heavenly day, all the trouble's gone away
Oh, for a while anyway, for a while anyway
Heavenly day, heavenly day, heavenly day

Almost Lover...love this chick....

2008-08-07T16:54:00.000-07:00

The other night I was leaving the park from doing my routine walk. I always roll down the window and turn up my music.I like to pretend that its a mini vacation from the park to home..whether it be a cd or my favorite station 102.7. Well this song was on..and I just love it. I went home and got on the computer and found out it she calls herself "A Fine Frenzy". This song is called "Almost Lover". Fell in love with it. I love music with just a piano..its just soothing to me. I have been on YouTube and check out more of her work. I really like it. This video is really pretty and goes really smooth like the song. If I hear and get attached to another song....I will surely post it. I will put the lyrics at the bottom of the video. Thanks for visiting.....

You fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images

You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images

And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you'd never ever forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy for you
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

Untouchable

2008-08-04T01:28:00.000-07:00

A very good friend of mine told me about Taylor Swifts version of Untouchable. I'm not a big Taylor fan...because in my opinion....I think she has a weak voice. Now I know she is young and that her voice may get stronger...and I hope so. But she is cute and everybody seems to like her...and her song writing isn't too bad either. So anyhoo...I actually like this version of the song. Now I am more of a rocker and I love the Luna Halo original version much better and for a different reason...but this isn't too bad. Her voice is actually mmmmm....OK. Ohh and I like to sing this slower version....The lyrics are beautiful and I'm sure at some point in all of our lives we have felt this way about a certain person. Ohh and I was going to post the Luna Halo version..but it would not let me have the code...Sorry Luna fans...Not trying to jip ya!
Taylor Swift Version

Untouchable, like a distant diamond sky
Keep reaching out and I still can't tell you why
I'm caught up in you

Untouchable, burning hotter than the sun
And when you're close I just want to come undone

And the in middle of the night when I'm in this dream
It's like a million little stars spelling out your name
You gotta, come on come on, say that we'll be together
Come on come on, little taste of heaven
Little taste of heaven

It's half full and I won't wait here all day
I know you'll say that I'll be here anyway

And in the middle of the night when I'm in this dream
It's like a million little stars spelling out your name
You gotta, come on come on, I wanna be together
Come on come on

And in the middle of the night we could form this dream
I wanna feel you in the dark lying next to me
You gotta, come on come on, say that we'll be together
Come on, Come on, little taste of heaven

Hey!

In the middle of the night when I'm in this dream
It's like a million little stars spelling out your name
You gotta, come on come on, don't make me wait forever
Come on come on

And the middle of the night we could form this dream
I wanna feel you in the dark lying next to me
You gotta, come on come on, say that we'll be together
Come on come on, little taste of heaven
Little taste of heaven
My little taste of heaven

Beach..... Yippie...

2008-07-16T19:12:00.001-07:00

We actually got to go to the beach! We spent about 2 hours there today. Samuel got brave and started to kick the waves and really enjoy the beach...Laz got him to calm down and just go with it. I got to lay on the beach and just enjoy watching them play. We actually got some sun today...Then it was pizza time. Yes I will enjoy every piece of pizza I want...until we leave...then its back to the diet and walking. Any hoo!! We then went to Toys R Us and found a major sale on boys clothes. Just in time for Samuel's birthday and for school clothes. We are also trying to find this boy a train...he really likes them all of a sudden. After that we went back to the house and got cleaned up. Debbie planned a surprise 50th Birthday party for Randy....I will have more of those pics later. We had a great time and he was very shocked. Randy and Samuel have the same date of birth....so Debbie planned it early so we could be here. Afterwards we stopped of to get some yogurt, beer and some other stuff....then back to the house we went. We got Samuel in bed and then we watched "Fracture"...that was good.....so now I am just blogging and messing around with some pictures....I don't know if I will be on here again until we get home....Steph may come and get this pc and I will not be able to get online...but I will make up for it when I get home....Thanks for looking.....goodnight.

Cocoa and Ron Jon's...Rain Rain Go Away

2008-07-15T19:26:00.001-07:00

Today we decided to go to Cocoa and to Ron Jon's. I had not been there in years. Needless to say it has rained way too much for my taste this year...I just want to lay on the freaking beach already. So we went into Ron Jon's and looked around. I got Sammy a shirt...me a dress...yes I said it...the "D" word. I also got a new shirt,coffee mug, a key holder thing to go around my next...that is for work..to hold my narcotic keys...and some other little things to have. We then headed for the beach..but of course it had to piss and pour and piss me off...no pictures today. Then we ventured on over to a few more beach stores....so no beach today....but we are going tomorrow and I hope we miss the rain.....
We are also going to a surprise birthday party tomorrow night...so that should be fun..I hope to have pics.....later everyone!

Samuel loved the surfboards and he kept checking out the skateboards..so not going to happen..not yet anyway!

Amazing.....two bags from this place...expensive!!!!

Samuel is super happy and super hyper.....and I am supper tired...can you tell!

Getting Samuel ready for bed..and I tried out my new tripod Laz found me yesterday.

Another Florida Day

2008-07-13T19:10:00.001-07:00

Well today all we did was go to the Flea Market and then eat lunch and then headed to the beach. We had a really good time. The waves were good and high today. Lots of surfers. Laz and Samuel played in the water and I actually got to lay back and get a tan. Tonight we had supper and then sat outback...now we are watching some type of comedy channel. Tomorrow Laz and Randy will be gone most of the day...so it will be me and Samuels day to do what ever.......I don't know what we are going to do as of yet.....

Casa Wahl....our home away from home the last 15 years

New Florida Pics

2008-07-12T19:12:00.000-07:00

Ok here are some pics from our day. We went to the beach and it was hell getting Samuel to go into the water. Mind you it was a bit cold and the waves are really high today because of Hurricane Bertha. I finally got him to go in..but then he wanted his Daddy to go in with him. They had a ball. He just kept saying "Daddy I'll save you!" from the waves anyway. Then a big wave came up and rolled that boy on his head. It scared me at first because I thought he hurt his neck..but all he got was some sand in his eyes and in his butt crack. I was ready to take pictures of him and he was ready to pose. He had a blast.
All I really wanted to do was just sit and listen to the waves and think about....well what I wanted to think about. I just laid on the beach and soaked up what sun there was. It started to thunder and lightening and then it was time to go. So we packed up our stuff and walked over to the pizza place we love. I ate a slice and a half. Whew! way to much for me. But it was so good.
Then we went to the market to get stuff for salad. It began to pour. I have never seen it rain like that before. We ended up looking like drowned rats!
Well we fixed supper and then we sat out back again. I have been working on a few pics so I could post them. I also put it on my Myspace page. Well you guys..I'm not sure when I will be on here again. Randy's daughter will need this PC...so I'm not sure when I will have Internet connection again. But I will get you guys caught up when I can. Everyone have a good week!

Hey everyone

2008-07-12T15:10:00.000-07:00

I got some pictures today at the beach and I hope to work on them tonight and get them posted. Our beach time was cut short because it started to storm. But we did get some sun. Laz got burnt..I don't see how but he did...Samuel of course is like me and just gets brown. And me well I got some sun on my arms and legs but I did not burn....usually don't. We are going back tomorrow and I hope to spend more time there. Then we are going to the flea market. I'm going to snag myself some new sunglasses and just look around to see what I can find.
I got some sleep last night...about 12 hours worth. We went to bed around midnight and I woke up at 11:30 am to my son telling me "Mommy get up....Daddy's fixin breakfast...we need to go to the beach..get up!" So I rolled out of bed and I mean rolled...that bed kills my back. My bed is a bit softer. I was so tired I did not know where the hell I was. I just wanted to go back to sleep and dream. Well anyway I am going to work on some pics and will be back on here later...Caio for now!

Staind "Everything Changes"

2008-07-07T17:27:00.000-07:00

I found this song on my brothers Myspace page.
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Everything Changes

If you just walked away
What could I really say?
Would it matter anyway?
Would it change how you feel?

I am the mess you chose
The closet you cannot close
The devil in you i suppose
'Cause the wounds never heal

But everything changes
If I could
Turn back the years
If you could
Learn to forgive me
Then I could learn to feel

Sometimes the things I say
In moments of disarray
Succumbing to the games we play
To make sure that it's real

But everything changes
If I could
Turn back the years
If you could
Learn to forgive me
Then I could learn to feel

When it's just me and you
Who knows what we could do
If we can just make it through
The toughest part of the day

But everything changes
If I could
Turn back the years
If you could
Learn to forgive me
Then I could
Learn how to feel
Then we could
Stay here together
And we could
Conquer the world
If we could
Say that forever
Is more than just a word

If you just walked away
What could I really say?
And would it matter anyway?
It wouldn't change how you feel

ME? Bored??? Usually never......

2008-07-05T00:04:00.000-07:00

Well I'm about bored out of my mind...which never happens..I always have something to do or something going on...but this very minute..I am bored as hell. So I thought for lack of anything better to do I would go on over to YouTube and just look around. See I like Dracula movies and one of my favorites is Dracula 2000. I never knew the movie existed until I was up one night during an insomniac episode and was flipping channels. I like the story line to this particular version of Dracula. In this movie he was actually Judas from the bible and he was to live forever and suffer for the betrayal of Jesus. So anyway..Gerard Butler is Dracula...do I need to say more!!! Woman's perfect fantasy... Wowzers! Um! and why would anyone have a problem with him taking a big ole bite of your neck.....I don't have much of problem with that.
This clip from YouTube has music from Evanescence...."Haunted" is the song. This song is kinda creepy....but fits the movie perfect. So here is the clip and the lyrics and PLEASE enjoy Gerard Butler as Dracula.....

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"Haunted"

Long lost words whisper slowly to me
Still can't find what keeps me here
When all this time I've been so hollow inside
I know you're still there

Watching me, wanting me
I can feel you pull me down
Fearing you, loving you
I won't let you pull me down

Hunting you, I can smell you - alive
Your heart pounding in my head

Watching me, wanting me
I can feel you pull me down
Saving me, raping me, watching me

Watching me, wanting me
I can feel you pull me down
Fearing you... loving you
I won't let you pull me down

Journey

2008-07-04T12:23:00.000-07:00

Today I am finishing up the paint and decorating my kitchen..I just want to be finished with all this mess and want it done before we leave on vacation. Coming back to a clean house is what I like. Plus as soon as we come back it will be Samuel and Katie's 5 year old Birthday Bash. My house will be busting at the seems. We were going to have it at the park....but things have been crazy for Stevie and I...so planning went out the window. She is going to come over and help me get things ready and just have it here. The kids can swim, play on the trampoline and the million toys this kids has ( he isn't rotten or anything) and run like animals in my yard. So I have a feeling that when I get home I just won't be motivated enough to get it all done....so I better do it now! I love my new kitchen...its so pretty! Laz is surprised that the colors I picked out really work. I wanted a darker orange-red color.. Now he likes it. HA! Told ya so! Well I have to finish up the trim and get all my pretties out and hung up. My favorite thing about the new kitchen....my countertops. They rock out!
I have taken a few pictures that I am extremely proud of the past few months..I am going to get them printed up and framed and they are going up on the wall in the kitchen. Maybe one of my sunset shots..I don't know yet. After its all finished I will blog some new pictures of the kitchen. I wish I had Jess fisheye lens...then you guys could see the kitchen...all of it in one shot......I so need that lens.......
So anyhoo...I have been listening to a bunch of 80-90's music today. Debbie Gibson, Extreme, Lisa Lisa and cult Jam, Bon Jovi, Bobby Brown...yes I admitted to it! Alanis Morrisette..You Outta Know..my FAV! and then there is Journey.....Listening to a ton of that while I am painting.....One of my favorite song of Journey is "Open Arms...I even like the Mariah Carey version! Its just a great song with great lyrics. I love the steve perry version the best...but youtube will not give the code to the video...so I am going to have to use the video off all the front men of Journey....don't want to but will do it...Everyone have a great 4th of July.

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Lying beside you, here in the dark
Feeling your heart beat with mind
Softly you whisper, youre so sincere
How could our live be so blind
We sailed on together
We drifted apart
And here you are by my side

So now I come to you, with open arms
Nothing to hide, believe what I say
So here I am with open arms
Hoping youll see what your love means to me
Open arms

Living without you, living alone
This empty house seems so cold
Wanting to hold you, wanting you near
How much I wanted you home

But now that youve come back
Turned night into day
I need you to stay.

Liquid Cocaine and Tattoo

2008-06-29T16:10:00.000-07:00

I had made plans with my sister to go out Saturday night. She has been down in the dumps and I have not been in the best place myself lately so we needed a girls night out. First we went to Buffalo Wild Wings..Naturally we had wings and fries and my favorite......Liquid Cocaine x 2. That was all I could handle. I have not drank a Liquid Cocaine since my birthday back in February...I think I had about 7 and I fell up my steps in the house....thanks to my sister! Noni and her family showed up and we drank and sat around for about an hour. Noni left and Stevie and I could not decide what we wanted to do......Stevie said....lets go to the tattoo shop!!! O man! I wanted to go... So we get there and look around. They said I would not be able to get one because he is booked up and then they are going to be gone on vacation. Well I was relieved to be honest!! Stevie said lets go and look and see what you might want and we can find out how much it will cost for when you come back. Well I looked around at the different art work..I was just not sure...I had wanted to get a "J" on my back....but Stevie talked me out of it...
So there it was...a heart...not a girly...puffy...regular heart...A heart with an edge...attitude...different..kinda complicated.....pink...meaning I am still soft and tender and lovable. That is my heart. That is me! Every tattoo has a meaning and or represents a time in someones life...
I showed it to the lady at the counter and she said she would go and get a price for me. When she came back the tattoo artist said that he would fit me in tonight. HOLY CRAP!!!! Then I started to get nervous...where is a liquid cocaine when you need one or five!! I have not had a tattoo done since I was 19 years old! Well I showed my sister how to use my camera and by the time I was finished...they called me back. He looked at my back and asked where I wanted it and placed the outline...As pulled my pants down around my butt crack and sat down in the chair....my sister seen my face and just said "BREATH". That tool started buzzing and I was all tense and the minute he touched my back I jumped...That was the only time I did. I sat really still but I was sweating like a whore in church!!! I even kicked off my shoes. The whole time he was doing the tattoo he was playing a Journey DVD on a 56 inch TV in front of me. So I kept trying to focus on that...Then my favorite Journey song came on "Open Arms" so I was trying to sing that in my head and not think of the pain going into my back. The only time it really hurt is when the ink went farther up my back....that was not pleasant...and I can handle pain! It took about 15-20 minutes to finish. I am so happy with it! I can't believe I did that! We left the shop and I just had to show Noni. They were at the Boiler Room so off we went. I showed her the tat then my sister and I just sat around and laughed our self stupid at the people there. Man have times changed! Most of these people were my sister's age and she could not help for laughing at them! The upside was that a really great band was playing and we were jammin and dancing at the table.....no no pics of that! I had a really great night...then came home and had to show what I did to my husband.... Well I don't regret it and I would do it again and more than likely do it again! Noni said she is going to take some pictures of the tattoo in a more professional way......later! Now it just needs to heal and I can't get into the pool...or tanning bed.....but I will get into the tanning bed anyway! I have to be ready for the beach soon!!!

Liquid Cocaine is my friend.

My noni and her drink!

Me and Stevie and our Second Liquid Cocaine

I am so nervous!!!

Piercing my flesh!!!!

All Done..........I Love it!!!

I had no idea my sister took this picture!

Saturday / Sunday dreams

2008-06-22T17:01:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I had a need to get away from the house..so I got our babysitter to come over and watch Samuel. We got on the motorcycle out and took off. Laz wanted to go to the airshow, but we got there at 4pm and most of the planes were gone....but I got to see what I wanted. Then we took off and decided to get something to eat. We stopped at the antique car show. I love American heavy metal. Cameros, Mustangs all that kind of stuff. There she sat.....67 Camero......that is the car I want...I have always wanted that car. It might take me a long time......but eventually I will have one. That car gets me all kinds of crazy. Then we took off and I treated us to Japanese Food...I love to watch them cook it....Yum Yum sauce...good stuff. I did not even eat maybe 10 bites...then I was full...What a shame. I took the leftovers to work and still did not eat much of it.....
Back to the bike ride....That was something I needed...I just sat back and enjoyed the wind and feeling of freedom...I just stuck my arms out and closed my eyes.

Today I slept from 7a-2pm...It started thundering outside and it woke me up. Also I was having some weird dream.....I have not had my weird unusual dreams for about 3 months. I'm not sure what it was but it woke me up in a foul mood.. Trent and Andrea and Joe and Brandy came over.. We cooked supper and then watched Rocky Balboa...not my thing...but it was ok...Sammy kinda is doing his own thing and wants to be left alone......Laz, Brandy and Joe are watching some scary...nasty..killing and blood movie..7:45pm and I am hiding out in my office..listening to music. Soon it will be time for a hot bath and me getting ready for work........Monday morning will be here in a flash and I will hit the ground running again. My last cabinet will be here and installed...I will have my niece Katie..she is staying the night....Chuck and Stevie have anniversary plans and of course my girlfriends will be here later in the evening. Tuesday will be equally nuts....the daytime plans are unsure..but later I will have some company..then photo class...then Noni and I will be off to walk our 2-3 mile walk at Legion....I look forward to that. Well I need to get off of here and a few more pics done for the other blog...everyone have a great day.

67 Camero........my dream ride.

Things can change

2008-06-17T05:07:00.000-07:00

I was looking at YouTube this morning just because of there is not much else to do at 7 am and I am not sleeping. I am a big Dixie Chicks fan. Say what you will but they are brilliant. I love their song writing and how they play music. They had a song out that was not played much on the radio. Its called "Top of the World". Its very haunting to me when I hear it. I watched the video for the first time this morning and it gave me chills. It is about 3 generations of family and how even the way our grandparents raised our parents can effect us today.....but also how we can rise above how we were raised and stop a cycle that could very well consume us and our children. Its a very powerful video. So here ya go...I will post the lyrics to the bottom as usual.....have a great morning!

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I wished I was smarter
I wished I was stronger
I wished I loved jesus
The way my wife does
I wish it had been easier
Instead of any longer
I wished I could have stood where you would have been proud
But that wont happen now
That wont happen now

Theres a whole lot of singing thats never gonna be heard
Disappearing everyday without so much as a word somehow
Think I broke the wings off that little song bird
Shes never gonna fly to the top of the world right now
Top of the world

I dont have to answer any of these questions
Dont have no God to teach me no lessons
I come home in the eveing
Sit in my chair
One night they called me for supper
But I never got up
I stayed right there in my chair

Theres a whole lot of singing thats never gonna be heard
Disappearing everyday without so much as a word somehow
Think I broke the wings off that little song bird
Shes never gonna fly to the top of the world right now
Top of the world

I wished Id a known you
Wished Id a shown you
All of the things I was on the inside
Id pretend to be sleeping
When you come in in the morning
To whisper good-bye
Go to work in the rain
I dont know why
Dont know why

cause everones singing
We just wanna be heard
Disappearing everyday without so much as a word somehow
Wanna grab a hold of that little song bird
Take her for a ride to the top of the world right now

To the top of the world
To the top of the world
To the top of the world
To the top of the world
To the top of the world
To the top of the world
To the top of the world
To the top of the world

Gunpowder and lead....

2008-06-13T09:05:00.000-07:00

I have had this cd for awhile now and just did not listen to it much because I was too hung up on her other cd. Well I pulled it out and listened to it while I was cleaning my house. That is usually when I branch out and listen to a whole album. Well I was surprised and found alot of songs I really like.
One of the best ones is Gunpowder and lead. It has to do with abuse and the anger that comes with it. Now I can relate on several levels to this song. My mom was abused by my biological father when I was young..so I got to see that first hand and seeing something like that tends to make you hard and mad from a young age. Then I had my round with someone who thought being a (Real Man) included slapping me around. Well the hit happened once....then being shook like a rag doll..like the song says..came about a few times.... That left a mark that would never go away...Sorry was said.. but it always stayed in the back of my mind and in my heart. I can provoke someones temper..that is my personality..but hitting is not the answer to anything. Sad to say... but I can give as good as I get and I have been on the giving end before. Not my proudest moment. I DO NOT trust my TEMPER. Its kinda like blacking out and not knowing exactly what I have done....until its over. Then its like OH SHIT! That is why god blessed me and everyone around me with not having PMS anymore! So here is the song. This was the best video I could find. Its just her and a guitar..but this shows how good she really is. I will post the lyrics below..Thanks

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"Gunpowder & Lead"

County road 233, under my feet
Nothin' on this white rock but little ole me
I've got two miles till, he makes bail
And if I'm right we're headed straight for hell

[Chorus:]

I'm goin' home, gonna load my shotgun
Wait by the door and light a cigarette
If he wants a fight well now he's got one
And he ain't seen me crazy yet
He slap my face and he shook me like a rag doll
Don't that sound like a real man
I'm going to show him what a little girls made of
Gunpowder and lead

It's half past ten, another six pack in
And I can feel the rumble like a cold black wind
He pulls in the drive, the gravel flies
He dont know what's waiting here this time

I'm goin' home, gonna load my shotgun
Wait by the door and light a cigarette
If he wants a fight well now he's got one
And he ain't seen me crazy yet
He slap my face and he shook me like a rag doll
Don't that sound like a real man
I'm going to show him what a little girls made of
Gunpowder and lead

His fist is big but my gun's bigger
He'll find out when I pull the trigger

I'm goin' home, gonna load my shotgun
Wait by the door and light a cigarette
If he wants a fight well now he's got one
And he ain't seen me crazy yet
He slap my face and he shook me like a rag doll
Don't that sound like a real man
I'm going to show him what a little girls made of
Gunpowder and lead

I got caught.............Singing!

2008-06-11T22:54:00.000-07:00

Tonight before I went to work I wanted to sit in the bathtub for awhile. We had been outside working in the yard and messing with the swimming pool. So I had dirt from head to toe. Like usual I have music from my blogs going while I am in the bathtub. I was shaving or something..I don't remember and of course..... singing. Well I was listening to Alanis Morissette *Uninvited*. That is one of my favorite songs that she does. You know how you get that feeling someone is watching you? Yep there he stood.....my husband.....snuck in the bathroom without me hearing him. I about jumped out of my skin. He just stood there with a grin on his face....he caught me. I asked him how long he had been there....."ohh for a little while" he says. I did not know if I wanted to just drown in tub water or throw soap at his head! I thought he was still in the living room visiting with our oldest son....uhh nope!

Now most people never get to hear me sing......I don't tell people that I can sing....or that once upon a time that is all I ever did. In school I gave up sports for choir and music. It was my life. Even those who are closest to me usually never get to hear me. For goodness sakes I would lock myself in the bathroom at Christmas if my family even mentioned me singing. The last time I sang in front of an audience....was during a friends wedding. That was it....and that was before I got married..so over 11 or 12 years ago!

It is one of the most personal and private things about me. If I am in my zone...and I think no one is listening then I do sing and don't pay much attention to other people that are around. People like my sister..I used to sing her to sleep every night when I lived at home. My husband...but not often at all...Noni has heard me a little....during scrapbooking...in my zone.

The only person that has heard it all is my son....I sang to him when I was pregnant....I sang to help him sleep or sooth him when he was sick or just upset......so he knows Mommy's voice better than anyone. I know my son loves me regardless of anything in this world so I sing to him. I have been known to change my mind......with the help of JIM BEAM!!! When I drink...I sing like a canary....but you don't want to hear it....I could scare every ally cat within a four block radius.

I sing when I am happy...I sing when I am sad or mad....but I really sing when I have a ton emotion locked up inside of me. I finally figured out what helps me RELEASE. I turn the radio up and I just sing and cry and sing and scream. Then...I feel like I have gotten rid of all that anger,sadness,hurt or frustration. Its amazing how something I did growing up still works for me at 34. I guess that was just another part of myself that I forgot and I am now finding again.

I would love more than anything to be able to sing in front of people again...without wanting to vomit....or needing liquid courage to get through it. I would love to sing by myself in church or in front of my family.

So now I will share with all my blog visitors out there the song that got all this started. The reason I love this song is not just about the words but the actual music. Of course I love the guitar....but the piano and the strings are beautiful. It is one of those songs that pull me from the inside out...Kinda hard to explain...that is all I know to say....

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"Uninvited"

Like anyone would be
I am flattered by your fascination with me
Like any hot-blooded woman
I have simply wanted an object to crave
But you, you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

Must be strangely exciting
To watch the stoic squirm
Must be somewhat heartening
To watch shepherd need shepherd
But you you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

Like any uncharted territory
I must seem greatly intriguing
You speak of my love like
You have experienced love like mine before
But this is not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

I don't think you unworthy
I need a moment to deliberate

My most fav song and movie.

2008-06-06T07:49:00.000-07:00

Of course this is my favorite song and one of my favorite movies. I love the story...just hate the ending...When I first watched this movie I had trouble with her dying at the end and going back to him...because you think..."what about her husband and family". But then you stop to think....he must have been the love of her life....her soulmate...she never spoke of him and for good reason....too heartbreaking.....but in the end when he is there at the stairs...Ohh that is just too much.. made me ball like a baby.......it was like time never passed and he waited for her..finally her heart was were it had always wanted to be...with him.

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Swim Day..More like Burnt my Self to DEATH day

2008-06-01T20:04:00.001-07:00

This past Friday Samuel and I went to see Erica and Luke. We planned on letting the boys swim until they passed out...but the water was still a cold 70 degrees and that was at 2pm. Finally I just let him in after 2 hrs our begging and pleading and driving me to drink. I figure when he turns into a blueberry I will just pull him out. Heck we are both nurses I think we will be ok. He got to swim for about 45 min and then that was it...he did start to look like a blueberry.
Erica and I sat out on the patio and just watched the kids play, snacked on chips and snuck a twinke when the boys were not looking. She is pregnant and can eat that crap....i just went along for the ride. I had been good all week...one twinke won't kill me. Then I worked on her computer downloading some stuff that she needed. I did not realize that I was getting burnt to a crisp. I went into the house to pee and I look in the mirror and about freaked. I looked like a french fry. Ohh I knew I was in for some pain. I got home and got a shower and then it really hit me. Laz had to put some aloe stuff with lidocain on my back and shoulders. It only felt good for about 2 seconds. Then I took some Tylenol and tried to sleep. Ohh when I got up for work and tried to get ready I could not even wear a bra. Not that anyone would see me at work.....they are old and its dark. I found a tank top with a built in bra thing and that would just have to do. When I got to work and got busy I became sorta grouchy because I was hurting so bad. Erica called that next morning at 5:30 am while she was getting ready for work and said "have you ever seen a pregnant tator tot?" She was sun burnt too. The boys also got alot of sun, but we put sunscreen on them.
I swear I have not had a sunburn like this since I was 15 or 16 years old working in tobacco. Well its been two days and I am brown as a biscuit with just a little red. My skin does still hurt but is much better now. We had a great time and if we are all healed I hope to actually swim next Friday. Well I have to get off of here and get some sleep. My counter tops and sink are going to be here between 7am-8am and I would like to get up and sit on the porch and have my coffee before they get here. Everyone have a great day.

Me and my mad little boy

Tator Tot and French Fry

Erica and Luke

Sammy was mad at me because he had to get out...he was turning blue.

The Good Stuff

Our day today

2008-05-30T07:16:00.000-07:00

Today will hopefully be great. Samuel and I are going to Erica's to swim and hang out for the day. Samuel and Luke will swim or just go nuts in the yard. Erica and I are going lay out and just chill. I have to work on her notebook and get some stuff downloaded for her. I gotta kinda watch the sun..I got burnt yesterday during Field Day at Samuel's school. But my skin just turns brown the next day and then you can't even tell I had a burn......but I can feel it.

Update on my honey. He is still feeling like crap. I sent him back to our family doctor yesterday...I knew his blood pressure was up just by what he was telling me. Headache and dizzy..He went up to the office and his blood pressure was 160/100. Told ya so...I think that is what I said to him. Well the doctor told him what to do and what not to do and recheck him in a month. I'M NOT DIGGIN THAT!!! Something is wrong and I'm not finished digging yet. This isn't over yet. Well as far as the GI stuff we still have to wait until next week. He came home yesterday and wanted to mow the yard......not a good idea...but he is as stubborn as me and wanted to do it anyway. We made a deal...Front yard today only!! We compromised. 5 min later I was outside bringing him water and just watching because I was afraid he would pass out or something. But he made it. He is strong..sometimes to strong for his own good. I am in protective mother hen mode right now. I'm just scared....and I always want him here so I do my part to make sure he takes care of himself.

On another note...I work tonight then I am off 7 wonderful, glorious days. Laz has to work other than the doctor stuff next week, so Samuel and I are going to live at the park. I think I will take him to Legion and let him play in the spray park and maybe we will go to Yellow Creek too! That is my favorite place in this town. If I could have a little cabin or house right in the middle of the trails I would. I find it so peaceful. I guess that is why I take most of my pictures there. I love walking the trails. I hope to go and walk them alone with just my camera after Samuel starts kindergarten. Having that time and peace makes me so much easier to live with. My time to unwind and think....and hopefully get some great shots of something.

Well its time to get ready and pack our swimming stuff. I'm so ready to get out of this house. I love being around Erica and little Luke. She makes me laugh and smile. I am completely myself with her and that is a nice change for me. I really need a laugh and a smile on my face. This week has been emotional, hurtful and stressful to say the least....I hope that today will start my vacation on an upswing. Everyone have a great day...Enjoy the sunshine!!!! Ohh and I hope to have some pics to share the next few days........bye

Another busy day...Im ready for my vacation

2008-05-27T21:05:00.000-07:00

In the morning I will hit the ground running. I have to have the cat in Lamar, In. by 8am. He is getting declawed and deballed. That should be a fun ride. We have to pick up Laz from work at 7:30am and off we go. Then we have to rush back and get Sammy on the bus at 10:30 am. I thought we would be able to get some alone time while Sammy is at school, But no such luck. We have a meeting at 11am at the school to look at the kindergarten class for next year. We have to decided if he will stay in school there and if he can handle it or will he have to go to Burns for special classes...which that is not what I want...but we will see how he does. Then he gets out of school at 2:30 pm and we are off again to pick up the cat. So I'm not really looking forward to tomorrow. I have to work at 10:30 so I hope I can fit a nap in.

Everyone in my house has been in bed since 7:30 tonight. Laz has been in a bad mood since last night because one of our cabinets fell off the wall. Yes that is what I said. It fell and split. One of the guys did not put enough screws in the wall. So Lowes was here today getting everything settled. They have to order a new cabinet and a new facet, because it broke the fall of the cabinet and kept it from splitting the base cabinet. Ohh what a mess. I am so ready for my house to get back to some type of normal.

So I have just been laying on the couch..watchin movies and actually took a 45 min nap...That is usually a never. I'm still not feeling like myself yet and I'm a bit puny ..but maybe tomorrow it will be different. I think I have worn myself out. But never fear..I will be on vacation starting Saturday morning and will be for 7 wonderful days...I think I will sleep and swim the whole week away. Well I am off to bed. Everyone have a great night.

Pics from Saturday

2008-05-25T18:52:00.001-07:00

We got to Jennifer and Kevin's kinda late Saturday because of so many people that we knew were graduating and Laz had to stop and see them. We get up there and get to just hang out and visit for awhile. The boys played and played. Samuel played basketball and pretended to play golf. We had a great time and it just did not seem long enough and all to quickly we had to head home. I had just enough time to get a bath and get dressed for work......ohh and work has been crazy. Well I am going to check on out of here....watch Dale Jr..get a shower and go back to work....Ohh on a great note..I actually got 8 hrs of sleep today. I only got up once and then went right back to sleep. That never happens. Well everyone have a great night.

Me and Jennifer were just sitting in her rocks and were looking at her plants and fish

If you get offended easy...don't scroll down...We were telling our husbands they were #1 in not such a sweet way. Nothing like men not minding there business and running there mouths.....But we love them anyway!

Kevin and Laz The culprits.....they love us anyway too!

My weekend to come

2008-05-24T10:54:00.001-07:00

Well I will be out of here in about 2 hrs and me and the family will be going to a birthday/memorial day party. This is what we usually try to do every year. I'm not really in the party mood right now..but I am sure when we get there everything will be great. I have to work tonight and then I will try to sleep as long as I can on Sunday. I hate to miss church..because I reealllyy need to be there...but I have to sleep sometime. Then we will do our usual. Laz will bring lunch home for me when I wake up. I hope we can sit out on the porch most of the day. I'm sick to death of this computer and cleaning the kitchen and the house....and need to get away. I will work Sunday night and then I will come home Monday morning and more than likely I will have to do some shopping. I really need new jeans..mine are getting too big. YES I said too big. It so nice to hear that coming out of my mouth. Then if I have time we are off to the Fowlers for their Memorial Day cook out. If its warm I would love to lay out back and get some sun...that would be perfect! I hope that by the time Laz gets off work we can spend sometime together before I have to go back to work. I should have just taken Memorial Day off. I had the chance to give the day to another co-worker but I like my money too much. Well I hope everyone has a great 3 day weekend. I may or may not post...it depends on my mood...and right now its not looking too good....peace out.